


Surreal Shock

by Lifeshandful



Series: Seal Team Collection [7]
Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:21:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26166316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lifeshandful/pseuds/Lifeshandful
Summary: I’m sorry. Those were the words that made a hollowness appear in Clay Spenser and it was not a hollowness that he was accustomed to feeling, no it was a new sort of hollowness that felt worse than any other he had felt before. That was the moment that he felt devoid of any feelings; there was no sadness, no overwhelming feeling of any emotion instead he felt hollow.
Series: Seal Team Collection [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668844
Comments: 100
Kudos: 172





	1. One

**_ Surreal Shock _ **

**_ Chapter One _ **

_I’m sorry._ Those were the words that made a hollowness appear in Clay Spenser and it was not a hollowness that he was accustomed to feeling, no it was a new sort of hollowness that felt worse than any other he had felt before. That was the moment that he felt devoid of any feelings; there was no sadness, no overwhelming feeling of any emotion instead he felt hollow. Clay could not recall much about the words exchanged after those two words were spoken but he did recall the doctor offering to call someone to come to be with him but he shook his head instead turning and walking away from the doctor as the shock set in.

Clay sat on the cold concrete painted floor of his cage staring blankly at the stacked shelves having no idea how he had gotten to base or how long he had been there as he ignored the cramping in his leg, the one that he had nearly lost after the bomb in Manila.

Clay paid no attention to the door opening or the way his team bustled in ready for a day of training on base, it was not mandatory but it kept them in shape.

Sonny stopped at Clay’s cage seeing him sitting down on the floor with a look of thinly concealed pain on his face but what was stranger was that he had not acknowledged any of them and how dishevelled he looked as it looked like he had not been to bed. “Hey there blondie, whatcha doing down there?” He asked as he leant up against the edge of the doorway to Clay’s cage looking in on him. He watched as Clay stared blankly and turned to follow his line of sight but there was nothing remotely interesting in the shelving unit as far as he could see. “Clay?” He stepped into the cage, around Clay and crouched down worried that there was no acknowledgement of any sort from him. “Trent!” His call had immediately captured everyone’s attention as they came closer allowing Trent to step into Clay’s cage and kneel down next to him.

Trent could understand the hint of urgency in Sonny’s voice as Clay showed absolutely no awareness of anything that was going on around him. “Clay, hey brother, I need you to talk to us.” Trent made sure his voice was soft as the last thing he wanted to do was startle him especially given the potential that he could react violently if he felt threatened. “Are you in any pain?” The tight lines around the corner of his eyes gave away that he was in some sort of pain but there were no outward sign of injury that Trent could see that told him why he was in pain.

Jason turned and looked at Ray before he looked back at Clay wondering what the hell was going on with him, and he was surprised that he was not responding to Sonny or to Trent. With a quick decision Jason manoeuvred into the cage around Trent then knelt down in front of Clay breaking his staring contest with the shelving unit that he seemed to be having. Jason had caught the warning look that Trent had sent his way but decided to disregard it as he knew that Sonny and Trent would react quickly if the worst was to happen. “Hey kid, I need you to tell us what is going on? Trent needs to know if you are hurt and so do we.” Jason took Trent’s approach to keep his voice soft as he very cautiously reached out and put his hand on Clay’s ankle feeling him startle softly as he blinked heavily as if he was just seeing him for the first time. “Are you with us kid?” Jason asked not moving although out of the corner of his eye he did see Brock having to hold Cerb back while he and Ray stood at the cage edge.

Clay blinked heavily as he had no idea how Jason had moved in front of him without him realising. “Ash is dead.” The words tumbled from his lips in nothing but a whisper.

There was a stunned silence as the men all looked at each other before they looked back at Clay as so many questions formed in their minds but their main priority was him. Brock let go of Cerb, letting him go to Clay and wiggle his way in between him and Trent.

“What? What do you mean Ash is dead?” Ray was the first to react wishing that their individual cages weren’t so small as he forced himself to stay put. It was like the air had been sucked right out of the room by Clay’s words. Later on he would regret speaking so bluntly.

Clay’s breath hitched as he swivelled his head around so that he was looking towards Ray as he realised that all of his brothers were around him but before he could even try and figure out where to begin to explain Jason gave his ankle another soft shake which had his attention turned back to him.

Jason shared a look with Trent knowing that the medic in him was itching to get a look at him as none of them had missed the clear visual sign of pain that he was in but they had more pressing issues. “We are going to need you to tell us what happened kid.” He tried to be as delicate as possible as it looked like he was in shock but the fact that Clay had said Ash was dead was something that they needed more information on and they did not want to bring anyone in until they had some elaboration.

Clay shook involuntarily as his eyes met Jason’s hoping to find some grounding in them. “I got a call from the hospital as I am… was Ash’s emergency contact. I didn’t know he was in town…” He stopped and swallowed as another painful cramp ripped through his thigh making him bit down on his bottom lip until it eased.

Trent was concerned but he knew why Jason was pushing for Clay to talk to them over putting him through a medical examination for the moment. “Clay?” Trent knew that he was in pain and could see it easily as his defences were down.

“I think the doctor said it was a stroke, I… I don’t really know, can’t really recall what he said.” Clay began speaking once the cramp had passed and he had released his bottom lip that now had deep teeth marks in it. “I kept ignoring his calls, he kept calling me yesterday and I didn’t answer one of them. What if…” He had begun to ramble as an onslaught of thoughts attacked his brain like what if Ash had been calling him to get him help, to get medical treatment because he was lying somewhere unable to move, because Clay vaguely recalled that paralysis or at least partial paralysis happened when someone suffered a stroke.

Sonny shifted closer to Clay and very gently pulled him over so that he was leant against his chest having noticed the way he was trembling before he felt how cold his skin felt. “When was this?” Sonny asked as he wondered when Clay had received the call and how long he had been sitting on the floor in his cage. “You are freezing blondie.” It was directed at Clay but it was more for Trent’s information than anything else as they could all recognise the signs of shock or at least the lingering effects of it.

Clay let himself relax against Sonny although he did not have much of a choice as his body was out of his control even as he continued to focus on Jason who had remained in front of him. “Not sure.” He answered unhelpfully but he seriously had no idea of the time.

Brock knew what Sonny was doing by mentioning that Clay was cold to the touch and he quickly ducked into his own cage to get a blanket for him as he could not see one in Clay’s cage then returned and handed it to Trent who gently shook it out then draped it over Clay as he leant into Sonny.

“Can you tell us what hurts Clay?” Trent asked needing to know if Clay needed medical attention that he could not give or if it was something that he could help with.

Clay shuddered softly and Sonny resisted tightening his loose hold on him as he really did not want to hurt him if there was something wrong with him. “Thigh is cramping, kind of stiffened up sitting here.” It was the first time that Clay put the two together; the two being that he was suffering from cramps and had stiffened up which meant he had been sitting still for a really long time. It was not often that Clay’s leg flared up but when it did it was bad and only served as a reminder of what that bomb had almost cost him when it detonated so close to him.

Trent relaxed minutely but it did not go unnoticed by anyone with the exception of Clay who was still watching Jason. “Do you want to try and get up off of the ground? We will give you a hand brother.” Trent left it up to Clay as he looked as content as he could be now that he was leant up against Sonny with a blanket draped over top of him, and he suspected that it would be painful to get up and moving about.

“Jase… I… I don’t know what to do.” Clay did not answer Trent’s question mainly because he had not heard it. There was a desperateness in Clay’s voice that told them all that he was hoping that Jason would give him answers but to what they did not know.

“We will figure it out, work the problem kid.” Jason answered immediately although he had no idea where to start. Clay and Ash’s relationship was muddied at best which did not help to work out where Clay’s head was. What Jason did know was that it had not hit the official channels or the news otherwise they would have known, and that they needed to give Clay time to sort out his feelings as he looked as though he was numb. “Sonny and Brock are going to get you up and take you and Cerb back to my place so you can shower and rest. Emma’s room is all made up so you can sleep in there when you are ready. Trent, Ray and I won’t be far behind you. We need to talk to Eric and then I will go by your place and grab you a bag so you can stay for as long as you want. Okay?” Jason was devising a plan on the spot. Truthfully he was not sure what Clay needed but they needed to get him off of base before the news broke and the last thing he needed was to be in his apartment. Clay nodded softly almost feebly which made Jason wonder how much he was really taking in but he also knew that he would be safe with Sonny and Brock. “Okay kid. We will see you soon.” Jason stood up and exited the cage knowing that Ray and Trent would follow him as he left the room.

Ray waited until he, Jason and Trent were down the hall far enough that their voices would not carry back to the team room. “What’s the plan Jay?” There were still a hell of a lot of unanswered questions.

Jason stopped and turned around to face Ray and Trent. “I am going to let Eric know, see what he, Lisa and Mandy can find out between them. Trent, I want you to go and get whatever you think he might need medically so you can treat him at my place. I am thinking that he could be dehydrated. Ray, I want you to work with Lisa and see if you can work out a timeline so we know when this all happened and how long Clay has been alone with this news. Check when he got to base as a starting point and work backwards.”

Trent could see that Jason wanted to get back to Clay just as quickly as he did but there was something that he had to say. “Boss, he ain’t going to let me give him anything for the cramps, for the pain.” He paused because it really was not what he wanted to point out before he decided to figuratively rip the band aid off. “There is an emotional shit storm brewing inside of him even if he does not realise it just yet. I am not sure how we are going to help that Jase.”

Ray knew the validity of Trent’s second statement although he had not wanted to think about it quite yet. “We will figure it out.” Eternal optimist Ray came out as the words came out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“How the hell do we figure it out when he has no idea of what he is feeling?” Trent growled hating eternal optimist Ray at times but none more so than right now.

Jason put his hand on Trent’s chest and pushed him back as he had stepped towards Ray. “Enough! Trent, go to the infirmary then my house. Ray with me. Clay does not need to see us arguing right now.” He scolded both men although he understood what both men were saying as it wasn’t like Clay was an open book with his relationship with Ash or with his feelings but then again none of them were. Both men had the decency to look ashamed and both mumbled an apology before Trent marched off and Ray fell into step with Jason.

Jason did not bother to knock or announce himself as he walked straight into Eric’s office seeing that Lisa and Mandy were with him which he was grateful for as it meant there would be no time wasted waiting for them to convene. “Good, you are all here.” Jason said as Ray closed the door with a loud click although his voice was anything but cheerful.

“Jason.” Eric regarded Jason and Ray knowing that they did not often stomp into his office. “What is it?” He asked feeling like his morning was about to go downhill and fast.

“I need you to take us off rotation.” Jason stated bluntly as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Eric frowned and looked at Lisa before he turned back to Jason. “What? Why?” He asked needing an explanation as he simply could not take a team out of the rotation without a valid reason.

“It’s…” Jason hesitated as he looked to Ray.

“We have just found Clay in his cage.” Ray supplied not understanding why Jason was suddenly so hesitant to speak.

“Is he okay?” Lisa asked feeling worried.

“No, we haven’t been able to get many details out of him except that Ash has died.” Jason ignored the furrowed looks that he got. “Apparently he got a call and went to the hospital.”

“Where is he now?” Lisa could only imagine the conflict that was inside of Clay and she hated that he was going to have to deal with this loss. She wanted to go to him.

“I have Brock and Sonny taking him to my place. He looks to be in shock, I am not sure how much has sunk in but he is not being left alone.” Jason supplied.

“What do you need from us? Other than being taken off of rotation.” Mandy asked knowing that the lack of information would be haunting them.

“Information and confirmation.” Jason kept it short knowing that the three would understand what he wanted, what he was asking for.

Ray stepped forward knowing that Jason was itching to get to Clay’s apartment so that he could get home and make sure Clay was settled as he was not going to be okay for a while. “We need to know what happened, a timeline of when it happened and how long Clay has been on base, and an idea of what is going to happen once it hits the news.” He kept it simple even though it would be anything but simple.

“We are onto it.” Eric needed answers to and he needed to contact some of the higher ups in order to handle the fallout.

“Thanks.” Jason went to head out but stopped.

“Is everyone convening at your place?” Mandy asked knowing that the team would stick closer than usual to Clay.

“Yeah, come by when you are done.” With that Jason was out the door letting it slam closed behind him.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

Jason let himself into Clay’s apartment having got the spare key from Derek’s wife Trish and closed the door behind himself before he looked around seeing that there was nothing out of place before he continued into the bedroom. The sight that greeted him clued Jason into the fact that the call must have come in when he was in bed asleep given the state of the rumpled bedding that appeared to have been hastily thrown off.

Jason moved into Clay’s wardrobe, pulled out one of his duffel bags, and began to gather several pieces of clothing for Clay along with a few other things like toiletries and his phone charger.

“Jason.” Derek let himself into Clay’s apartment as he called out Jason’s name just in time to see him coming out of the bedroom with a duffel bag over his shoulder. “Clay okay?” Derek asked as it was concerning that Jason was in Clay’s apartment without Clay.

Jason sighed knowing that his visit would raise questions and that Trish would notify Derek. “Not really, he is going to crash at mine for a few days.” Jason supplied not wanting to go into any detail as it was not his place to share nor was anything confirmed although he knew that Clay would not say it if it was not true but he needed more details on what had happened.

Derek sensed that he should not pry as he would not get any answers from Jason or anyone else on Bravo unless it came directly from Clay but knowing Bravo as he did he knew that there would be a fortress built around the kid until he was ready to face the world around him again. “We will keep an eye on the place, and if he needs anything then let me know.” It was an open offer knowing that it was not out of the ordinary for him or Trish to watch over Clay’s place when he was spun up or deployed just as Clay looked in on Trish when he was out of the country.

“Thanks brother.” Jason glanced at his watch grateful that Derek had not pressed. “I better get going.” He handed the key to Derek knowing he would lock up before he stepped around him. “See you around.” He threw over his shoulder already half way out of the door as he desperately wanted to get home so that he could be there for the kid.


	2. Two

**_ Chapter Two _ **

The cold water poured down over Clay heavily as he sat on the shower floor with his knees up against his chest and his head was rested back against the wall staring straight ahead but unseeing. _I’m sorry_ kept repeating in his head over and over vividly and he wondered why the doctor thought he should be apologising after all it was not like Ash was the father of the year but of course the man’s public persona was nothing like the person that Clay had known his whole life.

It felt so unreal but he was with it enough to know it was real, that Ash was dead and that there was nothing that could change that.

Clay closed his eyes as a shiver ran through his spine making him quiver although he knew he was trembling which he had not been able to stop before he tipped his head forward so that it was beneath the cold stream of water as his chest heaved and he felt breathless.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

The sound of the water running had Sonny pacing outside the bathroom as he continuously looked at his watch wondering if he should knock or not as minutes ticked by but it had been almost thirty minutes since Clay had shuffled into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

“Sonny, leave him be.” Brock was anxious himself as Clay never took this long in the bathroom and it didn’t help that Cerb was lying down with his nose pressed to the door occasionally whimpering but maybe he needed a few minutes longer considering that his leg was hurting and his world had been turned upside down. Brock lent against the wall as he watched Sonny continue to pace the hall back and forth.

“For how long?” Sonny growled out turning again to pace back towards Brock having to step over Cerb once more. It had been hard to get Clay up off of the ground and when they had they both had seen the sheer agony that he was in and the way he limped as he leaned heavily against Sonny.

“Give him another five minutes. If he isn’t out by then, then you can knock, and if we don’t get a response then we will go in.” Brock was sure that the five minutes would feel a hell of a lot longer. “I am going to pull back the covers on the bed so it is all ready for him when he wants to lie down.” He needed to do something to try and occupy a bit of the time before he pushed himself off of the wall and made his way into Emma’s room or rather the room she stayed in when she came home from college during semester breaks or on weekends when she needed some time out.

Sonny watched as Brock disappeared down the hall and into Emma’s room all without stopping his pacing just as Cerb whined again and softly scratched against the door with his paw. “Yeah, I know Cerb-y, you are worried too.” He bent down on his next rotation to scratch at Cerb’s ears briefly before he continued on his way.

Brock returned after a couple of minutes having taken the opportunity to check his phone to see a message from Trent that told him he was on his way. “Okay, knock.” He knew that it had not been five minutes but Clay had to be shrivelled up by now.

Sonny almost leapt towards the door as he knocked his fist against it heavily. “Clay, hey you okay?” Sonny called through the door trying and failing impressively to keep the worry out of his voice. “Clay, answer me please.” He knocked again before he looked at Brock.

Brock pushed Sonny aside earning a growl from the Texan but he paid him no mind as he placed his hand on the door handle.

“What’s going on?” Trent asked startling both men as they hadn’t heard him enter the house.

“Clay’s in the bathroom, been in there for over thirty minutes.” The use of ‘Clay’ by Sonny rather than some nickname that he came up with told Trent just how worried Sonny was as they all were.

Brock paid no attention to Sonny and Trent instead he rested his forehead against the wood of the door. “Spense, we are going to come in.” He waited a few more seconds hoping that he would get a response before he raised his head but when he did not he turned the handle and opened the door immediately noting the lack of steam. “Spense, hey Clay.” Brock reached the shower first immediately reaching in and turning the water off seeing that it had been turned onto cold. “Get me a towel.” He did not care who got him it just that he had one.

Sonny barrelled in but quickly stopped seeing the shivering mess that his little brother was as he took in how pale his skin was and how he seemed to be struggling to breathe as his chest was heaving. Sonny let himself get pushed to the side as Trent pushed past him with a towel in hand which he quickly tossed to Brock who shook it out and gently laid it over Clay.

Trent knelt down next to Brock on the hard tiled floor of the bathroom and reached his hand out to check Clay’s pulse as he wondered if something more was going on, and he almost flinched at how cold his skin was which had not been helped by the icy cold shower that he had taken. “Clay, hey, look at me.” Trent ordered sharply making Clay raise his head up slowly before he let it fall back against the tiled wall with a sharp thud that had him wincing.

“He apologised like it mattered.” Clay mumbled as he let his head roll to the side so that his cheek was pressed against the wall.

“Who did Spense?” Brock asked as he ran his hands over the top of the towel over Clay’s arms working to dry him off and try and warm him up a bit.

“The doctor.” Clay answered blankly, almost as if he was unaware of the conversation he was having. “He apologised like it was a big loss, like it mattered, but he didn’t know him. No one really did. All they knew was the manufactured persona that he got all too good at being when he was in the public eye. No one knew the real him, not really, and even if they did they would not believe that it was the same person.” His thoughts were spiralling.

Trent was concerned and it was growing at an increasing rate as he reached out and pinched the skin on the back of Clay’s hand which gave him conclusive results that Clay was indeed dehydrated which would not be helping his state of mind, and he took note that the pinch did not even elicit any type of reaction like it usually would from him. Clay’s words were just a brief insight to his and Ash’s relationship, and while every single member of Bravo had their own ideas of Ash and of Clay’s childhood they had never tried to pry to much as it was one of the quickest ways to get Clay to shut down on them which none of them wanted. “Let’s get you out of the shower brother.” Trent wanted to put a cannula into his hand and get some fluids flowing into him intravenously to get on top of the dehydration, and out of the cold wet shower so that he could warm up.

“Give me a few minutes… please.” It was all Clay asked for as he did not want his brothers to help him out of the shower or get dressed nor did he want them to see the pain he was in as his leg was giving him all sorts of grief. The fog that surrounded him was something that he needed to break out of and quickly as he was sure that there would be things that he would have to figure out.

“Alright.” Trent relented knowing that if Clay was asking for something then they had to give it to him given that he had not asked for anything since they had found him sitting on the floor numbly in his cage. Trent stood up seeing Sonny blanch and open his mouth to protest but he quickly slapped his hand over his mouth before he could even make a sound of protest.

“We will be right outside Spense.” Brock understood Trent’s acceptance of Clay’s request as he stood up and pushed both men out of the bathroom before he pulled the door closed however he left it ajar just a crack.

Trent continued to shove Sonny down to the end of the hall before he removed his hand from Sonny’s mouth quickly wiping his hand down Sonny’s sleeve as he had licked him in an effort to get him to uncover his mouth. “He hasn’t asked for anything Sonny except a few minutes to himself.” Trent bet Sonny to speaking seeing the Texan’s eyes dart back to the bathroom.

“We just left him shivering and freezing on the floor of the shower. Oh, and let’s not forget about the pain that he is in.” Sonny spoke harshly although he made a concerted effort to keep his voice down as he did not want Clay to overhear him.

Yeah, Trent could not argue with that point. “I know Sonny but he needs to feel in control here. His entire world has just been turned upside down, he is in shock and Ash who he has a lot of unresolved feelings towards just died! So let him have a few minutes to dry off and get dressed.” Trent’s sharp retort had Sonny wincing before he looked back at Brock who had lent back against the wall next to the door almost as if he was a sentry. Trent went to open his mouth but closed it as Jason walked around the corner with Clay’s duffel bag over his shoulder although Brock had been aware enough to grab a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved t-shirt for him to change into from his cage.

“Everything alright?” Jason asked picking up on the tension but then again he was not surprised at the tension as he knew they were all worried about Clay and his reaction to Ash’s death.

“Fine boss.” Sonny was quick to assert although Jason did not believe it one bit but it was not his priority at the moment.

Trent looked at Jason knowing he was expecting a SITREP even though they were not on a mission. “We are just waiting for him to get out of the shower, finish drying off and get dressed then I am going to put a cannula in his hand so that I can get some intravenous fluids into him as he is dehydrated as you suspected Jase. Not sure where he will want to settle but I would like to try and get him to eat something if we can, and I want to get him warmed up as he is still cold to the touch.” Trent gave Jason the basics as he had only arrived a few minutes before as it had taken longer than he would have liked to requisition what he required as a new clerk was being overly pedantic about stocks and proper protocols. “Everything go okay at your end?”

Jason jerked the strap of the bag higher up on his shoulder before he placed his hand on his neck. “I left Ray with Eric, Lisa and Mandy. As soon as they know anything they will be here.” He paused as his brow furrowed as he looked past Trent and Sonny to Brock and the bathroom. “Did you have trouble getting him here or into the shower?” He had done the math in his head and knew that something did not add up if Clay was just getting out of the shower.

Sonny growled lowly and it was not something Jason wanted to hear. “Took a cold shower Jase, don’t think he has any idea of what is going on around him or the amount of time that is passing by.” Sonny hated the vacant look in Clay’s eyes as it bought back all the memories of Manila, of Clay lying with that same vacant look in the middle of the street bleeding and stunned, and now he was seeing it again and he hated it even more.

“Did we get any sort of confirmation of any sort yet?” Brock had moved from off of the wall and over to stand in front of Jason as he kept his voice quiet so as not to be overheard knowing that Cerb would indicate to them if Clay made a noise or opened the door. It was not that they did not believe him, it was just they needed more details and more pieces of the puzzle as they had very few to complete the picture.

Jason shook his head softly. “No confirmation, and it hasn’t hit the news yet. I kind of hope that Eric or the higher ups can put a stop to that happening though, last thing anyone needs is his name and face splashed all over the media.” And by anyone Jason meant Clay. “Sonny, take the bag and put it in Em’s room then join Trent and Brock in the lounge.” Jason could see them all ready to launch into their verbal tirades but he held up his hand. “I will wait for him.” He wanted to give Clay the time he needed but also be close enough that he could be of assistance if needed.

There were a few mumbles and grumbles that Jason could not catch as Sonny took the bag from him before Trent and Brock retreated into the kitchen although he did notice that Brock did not even attempt to call Cerb away from the bathroom door as the hair missile was unmovable. He waited until the guys were out of sight before he closed the distance between himself and the bathroom and listened for a few seconds but he heard nothing so he raised his fist and knocked lightly on the door. “Hey kid, its just me. You good in there?” There was no way that the concern from the rest of the guys had gone by unnoticed.

“Jase?” Clay’s broken and gravelly sounding voice travelled through the door that separated them, and Jason felt the pit in his stomach grow.

“Yeah kid, can I come in?” Jason already had his hand on the door handle as he used his other hand to pull Cerb back from the door as he had stood up and was trying to find a way in sensing Clay’s distress.

There was a thud followed quickly by a pained grunt that sent Jason’s heart racing and he did not wait a second longer as he opened the door and made his way into the bathroom just in time to see Clay sitting down on the floor up against the vanity in his sweatpants trembling violently. Cerb bet Jason by a mere second to Clay as he slid down in front of him noticing the way his legs were splayed out in front of him on the floor awkwardly.

“Come here kid.” Jason murmured softly as he managed to move closer to Clay and reached his hand out and placed it on the back of his neck as he pulled him into him. He felt as Clay’s breath hitched violently as if he had stopped breathing and had been starved of oxygen before starting to breathe again. “I’ve got you, you are okay sunshine.” He murmured softly feeling the way Clay shook against him which he knew was beyond his control and he realised what Trent was saying when he said that Clay’s skin was cold.

Clay did not have the energy to pull himself away from Jason nor did he want too as it all felt too much. It was weird to think that he would never see Ash again, would never listen to him spouting off about his new book, or never argue with him again over the fundamental differences between them, and weirdly he felt relieved but that relief also made him feel guilty because he was sure that it was wrong to think like that. “Jase…” He pulled back a little bit and cleared his throat.

“Yeah kid?” Jason eased his grip on Clay and slowly lent him back against the vanity letting his eyes meet Clay’s.

“I need you to tell me what to do here, I need you to tell me what I need to do.” Clay trusted Jason, trusted all of his team, but he had no idea what to do or where to begin and he hoped that Jason would.

Jason had never seen Clay so unsure of himself in all of the time he had known him, and what he did know was that Ash’s death had knocked Clay off of balance drastically. Jason reached up and grabbed the folded shirt that was sitting on the corner of the vanity before he unfolded it and rolled it up ready to help get Clay dressed, and it gave him the opportunity to try and figure out how to respond to Clay’s request, after all he was not the one on the team that was known for his way with words or his emotional well-being. “Truth is kid that you have to take one step at a time. There is no right or wrong, no good or bad. You feel what you want to feel, and you say what you want to say. But don’t shut us out, don’t hide away, don’t pretend because it doesn’t fix things, and if anyone knows that it is me. We are going to be here every step of the way for whatever you need, and we might not know but we will figure it out with you. Okay?” He had no idea if it was the right thing to tell Clay or not but it was all he had.

“Okay.” Clay nodded softly with his voice barely being above a whisper.

“Okay, now let’s get this shirt on you first before we get you up. I need you to tell me if you have hurt your leg or if it is just residual pain that is flaring up from your injury.” Jason quickly helped Clay into his shirt as Clay raised his arms up so he could, but he was sure that Clay had fallen given the thud he had heard.

“Residual, been sitting too long on cold floors.” Clay answered simply. “It happens sometimes, not often though.”

Jason understood what Clay was saying and what he was not saying. “We all have aches and pains, and the odd flare up from old injuries on occasion. Nothing we can’t handle.” It was a matter of reassuring him that it was okay as he moved back and stood up. “Hands.” He ordered as he held out his own and Clay responded immediately by raising his up and putting them in Jason’s before Jason hauled him up off the ground as Cerb remained practically glued to his side.

Clay wavered on his own feet and he was hesitant to put weight on his leg as the cramps and pain seemed to worsen with his weight on it.

“Just lean on me. Do you want to sit and have something to eat or do you want to lay down for a while?” Jason did not let go of Clay nor had he missed the dark circles under his eyes or the way he kept blinking as if his eyes were burning, and he knew that Trent would have a field day lecturing him on not making Clay eat but he looked exhausted and nothing was going to fix that unless he got some rest, and hopefully it would allow him to think a bit more clearly.

“I’m tired Jase.” Clay mumbled softly but even the words sounded heavy coming from him.

“Okay sunshine, let’s get you into bed. Trent is going to start an intravenous drip on you though as you are dehydrated.” Jason was already moving, albeit slowly, before he had even begun to speak but he knew Clay would not protest an intravenous drip, at least not with everything else that was going on in his head.

Jason made his way down the hall with Clay slowly to Emma’s bedroom then very gently eased him down onto the bed seeing that the blankets had already been folded back so that it was ready for him, and the electric blanket had been turned on low which provided some extra warmth and hopefully would help ease his pain. Yeah, definitely Brock, Jason thought but quickly shoved that thought aside as he turned his attention back to Clay. It took a few seconds for Clay to settle or rather find a position that did not cause his thigh to cramp more or for the pain to increase, and it took even less time for Jason to cover him with the sheet and the comforter making sure it was up to his chin just as he liked when he was cold before Cerb jumped up onto the bed and curled up next to Clay with his head resting on his stomach. “Get some sleep kid, we will be around.” Jason had no doubt that Clay would be asleep within minutes as he was already struggling to keep his eyes open, and he wouldn’t be surprised if Clay slept through Trent putting a cannula into his hand to run the fluids into him.

Jason left the room and walked back down the hall to see that Sonny had started to pace the length of the lounge while Brock was in the kitchen making a pot of coffee which he knew would be strong and most likely bitter but who cared right now, and Trent was already watching him. “Go get an I.V started in him Trent but don’t wake him up. Just let him be.” It was all Trent needed to hear to be off down the hall with the supplies he needed in hand.

“Spense wanted to sleep?” Brock asked from the kitchen as he pulled out four mugs from the cupboard and placed them down on the bench in preparation for when the coffee was finished brewing.

“Kid’s exhausted Brock.” Jason answered as he slumped down on the couch suddenly feeling very tired himself and he wondered how the morning had gone to shit even though he knew how it had.

Brock nodded in agreement and understanding. “You hoping it helps to clear his mind a bit?” He asked already having a fair idea of what exactly Jason was doing by letting Clay get some sleep.

Jason kept an eye on Sonny and he had to admit that watching him pace was irritating but he did it so he could not say to much. “Being exhausted doesn’t help many things.” It was a simple statement with far bigger ramifications and implications but Jason knew that Brock would understand.

“You think he’s going to be okay boss?” Sonny’s question made Jason look up to see that he had stopped pacing and was now standing eerily still which was suddenly more disconcerting than the pacing. Sonny did not need another reason to hate Ash but somehow Ash dying made Sonny hate him even more because of what his death was doing to Clay.

Jason knew what Sonny wanted the answer to be but he just could not give it to him. “I don’t know Sonny but I know we will be there to help him all that we can.” It was the most honest answer that Jason could give him but he watched as Sonny’s shoulders slumped forward and the way his hands curled into fists. “Give him some time, let him sleep and get rehydrated, and by then we will know more.”

“I don’t like it Jase.” Sonny growled fighting to keep his voice low so that it did not carry through the house.

“Neither do I Son, neither do I.” Jason answered catching sight of Trent returning. “Out like a light?” He asked knowing that Trent was not pleased that Clay had gone to bed but he would have to get over it.

“Doubt he will be awake for a while.” Trent answered as he made his way into the kitchen to check out what Jason had in the way of food which ended up being very little so he quickly sent a text to Lisa asking her to pick up some supplies so that there was something decent for Clay to eat when he woke up.

“Sonny sit down, all you are doing is wearing a path in the carpet.” Jason could not take watching Sonny pace any longer and he certainly was not going to watch for however long Clay slept or when Ray, Lisa, Mandy and Eric arrived with what they needed to know.


	3. Three

**_ Chapter Three _ **

Lisa did not hesitate to walk straight into Jason’s house as she had her hands full with grocery bags as she had gone to the store on her way over as Trent had requested and gotten a selection of food that she hoped would entice Clay to eat something as well as a few of the more basic staples like bread and milk. She had left Ray, Eric and Mandy to finish up on base but she knew that they would not have been far behind her.

“Hi Davis, here let me take some of those.” Brock rounded the corner as he was walking back from checking on Clay just in time to see her walk through the door then somehow manage to close it softly with her hip.

“Thanks Brock.” Lisa handed him over half of the bags that may have just happened to be a few of the heaviest. “How is he?” She asked quietly as she followed Brock through to the kitchen seeing that Jason, Sonny and Trent were all sitting around the table in the kitchen with mugs of coffee in front of them before she put the bags down on the bench and began unpacking and putting items away with Brock’s help. “And where is he?” She asked not seeing him around which was worrying especially given the guys were all convened without him.

“Clay’s asleep, Cerb is with him.” Trent supplied as he took notice of all the little items that Lisa had gotten that he knew Clay liked even if he did not always indulge in them, as well as the items that the rest of them liked as she was smart enough to know that they would be around a lot in the coming days.

Lisa did not take long to put away the groceries before she poured herself her own mug of coffee and took a seat at the table in between Brock and Sonny stopping herself from going to look in on Clay despite how much she wanted to. “Ray, Eric and Mandy shouldn’t be too far away. I left before them to pick up the groceries.” Lisa supplied knowing they were anxious to hear what they had found out but she was not going to be the one to tell them until the rest were there before she took a mouthful of her coffee and grimaced, only barely managing not to spit it out.

“Yeah, Brock made it.” Jason chuckled having caught Lisa’s grimace at the mouthful of coffee and the way she pushed the mug away from her. It was a little bit of levity that they all needed as Trent snickered while Sonny smirked and Brock had the decency to look embarrassed as he knew he did make it strong in times like this.

Lisa knew that Brock only made the coffee that strong that it became bitter when he was worried, and for that she would forgive him but she definitely was not going to drink anymore. She reached out and placed her hand on Brock’s shoulder giving it a soft squeeze. “Just don’t give any to Clay.” She kept her voice soft. “And maybe we should put someone else in charge of making the coffee.” It was an afterthought but a damn valid suggestion.

Lisa stood up, grabbed her mug and poured the coffee down the drain of the sink before she washed the mug out and set it down on the bench then filled the kettle and began boiling water as a mug of tea sounded a lot better. “How long has he been asleep?” She asked as she turned around and looked at the men seeing the various stages of worry on their faces.

Jason glanced up at the wall clock. “Almost four and a half hours.” It was been over five hours since they had found Clay as it was nearing the middle of the afternoon, and Trent had changed out the bag of fluids somewhere in the middle of that. Jason knew they were going to have to wake him up soon to get some food into him but now that Lisa was here he decided to leave it a little longer given that Ray, Eric and Mandy would not be far behind and Clay did not need to hear whatever they had found out nor anything that they had done. “We are not going to wake him until after we learn what Eric, Mandy and Ray have found.” It was clear that no one was to argue with him, that the decision had been made by him and by him alone.

Lisa smiled softly although she did her best to hide it in her hand at Jason’s protectiveness even though she knew they all felt the same way towards Clay although they all had different ways of showing it. Jason would keep his hand on the back of Clay’s neck and let his fingers soothe him when needed, soften his voice, and treat him like he would Emma and Mikey as the paternal instincts came out fully. Sonny would let Clay rest against him knowing it bought him comfort as would Brock, and both would sit with him unmoving for however long he needed but Brock would also make sure that Cerb was close by for that extra comfort that only the hair missile could provide. Trent would do whatever he could to make Clay feel better, and be the sounding board he needed when he wanted one. Ray was a little more hands off than the rest of the team but he still made sure that Clay was taken care of, that he had a blanket when he wanted one, and always kept a watchful eye over him, or chose his words carefully knowing that Clay needed to hear them. And then there was Eric and Mandy who kept back but like everyone they kept a close on him and stepped in when it was needed. Lisa shook her head as the kettle finished boiling and she quickly filled the mug up having already placed the teabag into it before.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

The sound of the front door opening caught everyone’s attention as they had been talking quietly at the table making small talk in between mouthfuls of coffee with the exception of Lisa who was drinking tea. Ray stepped inside the house then let Mandy and Eric in before he closed the door and followed behind them. It had been a rough morning, no one would disagree with that, but now they moved to helping Clay work through his grief.

“What did you find out?” Jason asked seeing that Eric had a file in his hand which immediately piqued his interest foregoing all greetings but he would be forgiven for it.

Ray shook his head but made no effort to reprimand Jason for his gruffness as he poured himself, Eric and Mandy a mug of coffee and handed them off before he lent back against the edge of the counter top.

Eric was slightly surprised that Jason had not snatched the file out of his hand as he took a seat at the table while Mandy moved to lean against the edge of the sink as she clutched her mug between both hands. “It’s true, Ash died at 2224 last night. According to the doctors, he suffered a massive stroke, and he suffered it sometime between 1500 and the time the 911 call was received which was at 2127. An autopsy will be able to provide a more definitive time if Clay wishes for one to be done.” Eric laid out the facts as plainly as possible although he made sure to keep his voice low.

There was a crushing feeling that came over them all and they knew they would have to tell Clay all of the details sooner or later but how he would react was what they did not know and now feared.

“Given the disdain around Ash and his history, the Brass are doing what they can to make sure his death stays quiet.” Eric knew that the sordid history of Ash’s time in and out of the Navy was one of interest but it had done Clay no favours either.

“But?” Jason knew Eric well enough to know that there was something he was not saying, and he knew he was right when he watched Mandy put her mug down on the bench and step forward until she was stood behind Eric with her hand resting on his shoulder.

Mandy knew she was hesitating but she just was not sure how exactly to say what she needed too. “Given how certain details of classified ops ended up in Ash’s books, the Navy wants to get the leak that they have been unable to get so far.” She started before she looked over at Ray seeing that he had his head bowed and was studying the floor intricately before she looked around at everyone. “Everyone has been waiting for Ash to slip up and accidently reveal his source but he never did.”

“And?” Brock pushed for one of them to continue to speak.

“If Clay does not give permission for Ash’s house and car to be searched then a warrant will be executed. He is going to need to give them an answer soon.” Mandy revealed knowing it only added pressure on to Clay that he did not need from the little that Ray had given them on how he was doing when they found him.

“How soon?” Trent asked rather bluntly, not liking the elusiveness that Mandy was giving them.

Mandy had done everything she could to get more time and had called in a favour or three but that did not matter. “Twenty four hours was all the time I could get. I have the papers for him to sign if he does give permission but in all honesty it is inevitable – either he gives permission or a judge does and a judge will because it will be labelled as a matter of national security.” She was giving them the facts plainly.

“Goddamn Ash.” Sonny growled as he definitely hated the man even more because of course he would leave a mess for Clay to clean up, and it was just one more spiteful act in a long list of them. “Should have let me hit him when I wanted to Jase.”

Jason could understand Sonny’s anger towards Ash but he also knew that the anger needed to be shelved momentarily as the focus needed to be on Clay. Of course the complications had to grow in the event of Ash’s death, not only had it left Clay struggling to sort out his feelings but now it had left Clay inadvertently left to clean up the mess he had made.

“What’s on your mind Jay?” Ray asked wondering why Jason had not reprimanded Sonny for his outburst but one look at him and Ray could almost see the cogs turning inside of his head.

Jason inhaled deeply before he bought both of his hands up to his neck and rolled his shoulders before he looked up and over at Ray. “How much more damage does he need to do to the kid?” It was a question that resounded with all of them but none of them had an answer. “And how the hell do we tell the kid this?”

“We be up front and honest with him Jason.” Lisa spoke up knowing that it would hurt Clay but keeping it from him would do more damage.

“Lisa…” Sonny growled which was not a tone he usually used with her as he turned to glare at her not liking her idea one bit.

“No.” Lisa raised her hand up to silence them having already suspected that there would be some opposition to her words. “I haven’t seen him yet, I will give you all that, but I know that what he needs is for us to be honest with him and in return he will be honest with us. If we keep this from him and he finds out by some other way then we may lose his trust. He could feel like he has no one and that is the absolutely last thing we want.” She explained her way of thinking.

“Davis is right.” Trent spoke up agreeing with Lisa’s logic as it had taken them a long time to get Clay to be open with them and he knew that he and the others did not want to lose it because of Ash and his affairs.

Brock tended to agree with Lisa and Trent but he also understood where Jason was coming from as he knew how much Ash affected Clay despite how hard he pretended it did not.

Sonny stood up so abruptly that the chair slid across the kitchen floor and before anyone could even say anything he was out of the house but at least he did not slam the door behind him.

“Let him cool off for a bit, he won’t go far.” Jason waved Trent down seeing he was getting up to go and follow him but Jason knew Sonny would not go far, not when Clay was asleep down the hall.


	4. Four

**_ Chapter Four _ **

Lisa made her way down the hall quietly to where Clay was asleep as she wanted to check on him again as it had just gone 1700 yet he had still not surfaced. She was surprised to see that he was sitting up against the headboard fiddling with the cannula that was in the back of his hand but what was most noticeable was that despite having slept for several hours he still had dark circles beneath his eyes and his skin was paler than usual. She stopped and leant against the doorframe waiting for him to look up and acknowledge her but he made no effort to do so. “Hey blue eyes.” She made sure her voice was soft and quiet.

Clay looked up as he dropped his hand away from where he had been picking at the cannula. “Hi.” His voice was croaky even as he gave her a small tentative smile but it was clearly forced.

Lisa moved into the room and walked to the side of the bed before she sat down beside him noting that Cerb was pressed firmly against Clay’s side. “What is going on in that head of yours?” She asked softly as she reached over and placed her hand on his knee over top of the blanket.

Clay blinked and seemingly deflated in front of her eyes which she hated. “I don’t know.” He shrugged his shoulders before he tugged at the cannula and pulled it out of his hand. It was the most honest answer that Clay could have given Lisa and she appreciated it despite how much she hated it as well.

“That’s okay Clay.” Lisa assured him understanding that he was conflicted and withholding the scolding that she wanted to give him given that he had pulled out the cannula. “Are you hungry?” She decided to change the subject as she could see that he did not want to talk about his feelings any more for the moment.

Clay sighed knowing that he had to get up but he just wanted to wallow for a bit longer. “I’m not really hungry.” He paused and drew his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing on it softly. “I kind of just want to sit here for a little bit longer.”

Lisa nodded as her concern grew but she had to respect him and his decisions. “Alright, but I do need you to at least try to eat something at some point tonight.” She stood up after she had finished her sentence preparing to leave the room so he could be alone for a bit longer.

“Lis…” Clay called out to her just as she was almost at the door then waited until she turned around. “I don’t get it.”

“Don’t get what Clay?” Lisa asked trying not to show her confusion.

“I don’t understand this.” Clay drew in a shaky breath as he let his eyes land on Cerb who had inched his way up towards him so his head was on his chest.

“Understand what?” Lisa stepped back closer to the bed.

Clay patted Cerb repeatedly as he tried to work out how to articulate himself. “It was no secret that Ash and I did not get on, that we fought, and things were bitter between us… well that is putting it mildly.” He paused. “I didn’t expect to feel like this, I don’t know why its knocked me the way it has.”

Lisa felt her heart break a little bit more for Clay as she sat back down on the bed glad that Cerb was sticking close to him. “Because despite everything, he was still your Dad Clay, and it was not something you saw coming, none of us did.” She watched him closely in an effort to gauge his reaction as the façade had not been put up like it usually was.

Clay huffed lightly as he shook his head from side to side. “I can’t remember what the doctor said, most of it’s a blur Lis, but I keep trying.”

“I wish I could say that it will come back to you but I don’t know if it will Clay, but maybe it is not something you need to remember.” Lisa did not know if it was good or not that Clay could not recall what the doctor had said to him but she did know that he would have some questions sooner rather than later.

Clay nodded softly as he raised the hand that was not patting Cerb continuously to his eyes and scrubbed each eye tiredly. He dropped his hand back down to the blanket, scrunching the comforter up in between his fingers, as he opened and closed his mouth a few times as if he was about to say something but then decided against it.

“What is it?” It was now the time to push Lisa decided although how far she would go was still to be determined. The thing was that if Clay did not get it off his chest then he would bury it until it manifested itself in some unhealthy way without him even realising.

Clay looked down at the comforter letting his fingers run over the fabric as he took a few deep breaths. “I don’t really have any good memories of Ash, I keep trying to think of something but there isn’t really anything. I mean I know he tried to help get the medal for Swanny, get TBI’s recognised, but even I know he only did it for his own publicity. That if there had not been something in it for him then he would not have helped.” It was a sad admission and he recognised that.

Lisa blinked heavily as her eyes became glassy at Clay’s admission as she could not imagine not having one good memory of her parents from her childhood. Yes, her childhood was tainted and ruined by the fire that claimed her sister’s life, but she still had some good memories. She could not disagree with Clay about the reason why Ash had gotten so involved in his fight for Swanny. “Can I hug you?” She asked not knowing what else to do.

Clay smiled sadly and nodded softly before he opened his arms as Lisa moved closer and wrapped her arms around him softly. He pressed his face into her shoulder and held her tightly as she ran her hand over his back feeling as his breath continued to hitch and his body trembled continuously.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

Sonny had made his way back into the house although he was still on edge and no one called him out on the way his knuckles were bruising having obviously lost his fight with something although Trent had grabbed his hand and examined it slightly. He kept glancing down the hall knowing that Lisa was in with Clay but had yet to come back out.

“What’s on your mind Sonny?” Ray asked cautiously as he did not want to set the Texan off noting he had swapped out his coffee for a beer but he was only sipping at it which was not like him at all.

Sonny swung his eyes towards Ray, his glare softening after a few seconds, before he managed to move and sit himself down on the couch heavily. “Can’t hide away from the world forever.” He mumbled as he twisted the bottle of beer around in his hand as he began picking at the label.

Ray spared a glance into the kitchen seeing that Mandy and Eric were making a bunch of sandwiches as Eric had decided that everyone needed to eat even though none of them were all that hungry before he looked at Brock and Trent who were outside getting the fire pit lit and stoked to a dull roar then he looked to Jason who was anxiously rubbing at his leg as he sat on the couch. “He’s not hiding Sonny.” Ray did not want to start an argument but he did not like that Sonny had stated that Clay was hiding.

Sonny’s glare returned quickly and it was directed at Ray. “Then what would you call it?” Sonny growled just as Jason sighed from beside him.

Ray held his hands up in a placating manner as the last thing he wanted was to get Sonny riled up any more than he already was. “Give him some time Sonny, he’s had a huge shock. We don’t even know if he is awake either.”

Sonny muttered something under his breath but he quickly cut himself off as Lisa walked back into the lounge slowly, and he did not miss her glassy eyes. “Davis?” Sonny leaned forward as he peered over at her.

“He will be out soon.” Lisa waved her hand loosely in front of her doing her best not to show what she was feeling.

“How is he?” Jason asked even more on edge than anyone could have thought would be possible.

Lisa glanced over her shoulder before she looked around the room. “It is starting to sink in, and bringing up a lot of things.” She shrugged not wanting to give anything that they had spoken about away but knowing if she did not give them some sort of answer than it would make them a whole lot more anxious.

Eric walked out of the kitchen knowing Mandy had assembled a large stack of sandwiches and had also managed to put together a large platter of various snacks as he took in how Lisa looked. “Let’s go outside, sit around the fire, and eat while we wait for Clay to come out.” It was not a suggestion instead it was an order as he wanted the guys to get something in their stomachs alongside the beer that they had seemed to move onto from the coffee although Eric could understand that as Brock’s coffee was strong enough to peel paint off a wall if it was brushed on. The last thing Clay needed was to feel like he had kept them waiting either.

Jason was the last one to move as Ray led the way with Lisa, Mandy and Sonny following after him although Eric remained back to talk to Jason. “If Ray hasn’t told Naima, he should do that. Same with you, you should make sure that Emma and Mikey know. Having the kids around will be good for Clay.” Eric suggested knowing that Clay absolutely adored Jameelah and RJ, and had bonded with Emma and Mikey like no one else on the team had as it was not an Uncle bond but more of a sibling bond.

Jason looked at Eric knowing he was right, knowing that Clay needed all the support he could get in the coming days, weeks and months, but he also was not going to bombard Clay with it until he knew where the kid’s head was. “Let’s just get through tonight then we can begin notifications in the morning depending on what Clay wants. It’s a sad fact that no one cared for Ash but they will rally around Clay because he died.” It was a blunt statement that made Eric wince because of the validity of it. With that, Jason stepped through the ranch slider deciding to leave it open.

Eric followed after Jason, taking a seat, as he watched the men pick at the various snacks but at least they were eating as they tried to talk about anything that was not to do with Clay or Ash or something close to either.


	5. Five

**_ Chapter Five _ **

Clay knew it had been a while since Lisa had left the bedroom but he knew that he would be forgiven for taking his time however he knew he had to make an appearance soon. “Should we go out and see everyone boy?” He asked Cerb ignoring the way his voice was gravelly sounding earning a quick lick to his hand. “Alright.” He bent down and kissed the top of Cerb’s head before he began moving and eased himself out from under the sheet and comforter before he got himself to his feet wincing as he had to stretch his leg out which was stiff and tight feeling. Cerb was at his side in seconds and for that he was grateful before he began shuffling out in search of the guys, realising for the first time that it was dark outside and that he had slept the day away.

Jason looked up as Cerb darted around the fire pit before going back to Clay’s side who was approaching them slowly looking even worse than he had when he first put him to bed. “Hey kid.” Jason spoke first as he put his bottle of beer on the ground before he stood up knowing that Clay would be freezing in a matter of seconds if he did not grab a blanket or a hoodie for him even with the fire roaring.

“Hi.” Clay gave everyone a brisk smile before he took the last remaining seat that just happened to be in between Brock and Jason’s trying not to show how hard it was to ease himself down into it.

“Here kid, put this on before you freeze on us.” Jason was back out with a hoodie that he had pulled out from Clay’s duffel bag and putting it on his lap before he took his seat back then held out a bottle of water to Clay as he definitely would not be drinking any alcohol.

Clay did not protest Jason’s orders as he reached out and pulled the hoodie on over his head as the cold night air had wrapped around him despite him wearing a long sleeved top and sweatpants before he leaned back in the chair just in time for Cerb to crawl gently into his lap and lay down. He reached out and took the water bottle from Jason and gave a nod of thanks already knowing he was not going to be able to drink but he also did not want too.

“Want to try to have something to eat Clay?” Mandy asked knowing that she had made up a plate for him before the guys had eaten so he had an assortment of foods to snack on although she could understand if he did not have an appetite at all.

Clay looked over at Mandy and shook his head declining the offer although he knew it would displease everyone. “I have made some decisions, or one at least.” He announced making everyone share various looks before they looked back at him.

“And what is that Spense?” Brock asked softly smiling at the way Cerb had wedged himself into Clay’s lap while still managing to nudge Clay’s hand, the one not holding the water bottle, when he stopped patting him.

“I don’t want a service. There will be no one that will want to pay their respects, and even if there is they will all be based on falsities.” Clay really did not want to have to listen to people go on about how great of a man Ash was when they did not know the real man behind the persona. “No autopsy either, I think the doctor said something about it but I am not really sure, but it’s not worth it as he will still be dead.”

Eric wondered who would react first but he was surprised when the silence remained as if everyone had been shocked still. “Clay, I think it would be good for you to say goodbye. You don’t have to have a service or anything but I think you need to say goodbye, for you, not for him.” Eric wondered how much of the ‘decisions’ Clay had made were because of the shock he was in or how much of it was because there was no father-son relationship between the two.

Clay nodded understanding what Eric was referring too by saying that he needed closure but it would be a one sided conversation after all the dead could not talk. “There is going to be a whole shit storm that is left behind in the wake of his death.” Clay stated as Ash would not have left his affairs simple nor did he miss the looks exchanged between everyone. “What? What is it?” There was a sense of dread building in him, or rather the one he already had was growing.

“Clay, kid…” Jason had no idea how to tell Clay what he had to know, and he had hoped that they could keep it from him a little longer.

“Please Jase, just tell me. My mind is already in worst case scenario mode.” There was a begging tone to Clay’s voice that he could just not keep away as he looked down at Cerb feeling as he nudged at him having noted the change in his body language.

Mandy could see the struggle that Jason was having and the rest of the guys, and she knew it would not be fair to make them tell him. She would be the bearer of bad news so that they did not have to be. “Clay.” She waited until he turned to look at her. “They want your father’s sources. They want whoever it is that has been passing classified information to him for his books.” She kept her voice as soft yet as firm as she could knowing it was best to tell him as bluntly as she could.

Clay swallowed and looked away, letting his eyes linger on the grass. “It makes sense. Whatever they need, they can have it.” He answered not knowing if it was something that Ash would have documented but he was not going to protect him or his source(s).

“You will need to sign off on letting them search through his things.” Mandy told him as Clay nodded tiredly.

Brock looked at Clay wondering what was going on in his head as he had that look that said there was a lot going on. “You don’t have to decide everything now Spense. We can work through it over the next few days, or however long it takes.” Brock reminded Clay as he was worried that he was going to stress himself out or regret a decision that he made.

Clay huffed softly although he understood what Brock was saying but he just wanted it to be over with.

“What’s on your mind kid?” Jason asked having heard the soft huff that left him as he debated whether to make Clay drink the water or not.

Clay rolled his head towards Jason so that he was facing him. “Too much.” It was the only answer he had as he shrugged his shoulders although he was cautious not to upset Cerb.

“Do you want to know what Eric, Ray, Mandy and Lisa found out?” Jason asked softly leaving it up to Clay as only he knew how much he could take.

Clay shook his head tiredly, “Not right now.”. He appreciated that they had taken the time to find out the information that he could not recall from when the doctor was speaking to him but he just did not want to hear it. “Thanks though.”

Trent looked at Clay, had been watching him the entire time, and frowned at the bruise that had formed on the back of his hand as it looked as though he had broken the vein when he had taken out the cannula in his hand but he was not going to call him out on it. “You need to drink some of that water Clay.” Trent pointed towards the bottle that was in his hand that he had been continually twisting around. He had already had two bags of fluids flow through him intravenously while he had been sleeping but Trent did not want him to become dehydrated again.

Lisa smiled softly as she stood up and squeezed Trent’s shoulder on her way back into the house as she wanted to at least put a plate of food in front of Clay in the hopes that he would at least pick at it even if he did not have an appetite.

Sonny had been sitting biting his tongue as he was watching Clay closely and he wondered what the hell was going on in his head as he despised the man yet he was grieving. He was squeezing the beer bottle in his hand so tightly that he was sure it would shatter if he squeezed it any harder. The kid looked wrecked and it just did not sit well with him at all.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

Ray smiled softly although it was tinged with sadness as he looked over at Clay seeing that he had fallen asleep before he looked at his watch seeing that it was well after midnight, and they had done everything they could to keep Clay’s mind off of Ash and his death. He was glad that Lisa had been able to get Clay to nibble on a few nibbles but it was not enough to sustain him however no one was going to push him. “Jay.” Ray nodded his head towards Clay once he had Jason’s attention as the flames from the fire cast an orange glow over them.

Jason turned to look at Clay seeing that he had somehow managed to curl up in the chair with Cerb still tucked up in his lap. There was something so calm and childlike within Clay when he was asleep. “Leave him be. None of us are going anywhere for the moment so he is fine.” Jason wanted Clay to get as much sleep as he could because he was completely exhausted; it may not have been the comfiest place to sleep but they had slept in worst places and in worst positions before. The fact that Lisa had passed out blankets a few hours earlier had pretty much signalled that they would be staying put for the night especially with the fire being repeatedly stoked but it was for Clay and none of them wanted to be separated.

“He’s going to be sore Jase.” Mandy pointed out softly as she debated on finishing her mug of coffee or not but it was not appealing.

Jason nodded in agreeance. “Doubt he is going to get much sleep in the next few days so if he can get some now then I am not going to wake him.”

“I have pulled you off rotation for a whole week as a team, Clay is entitled to bereavement leave after that.” Eric decided that there was never a good time to bring it up but it had to be stated.

“But he won’t take it.” Brock could guarantee that Clay would not take any extended leave, especially not bereavement leave for Ash.

“What? What do you mean?” Eric asked turning to Brock as he knew how insightful he was.

“Blondie needs to make sure his head on straight.” Sonny had not said much all night so the fact that he was pointing that out made them all look at him surprised but it was a valid point.

Brock sighed as he looked at Lisa having seen her nod in acknowledgement of what he had said. “Spense’s entire life in the Navy, he has been faced with prejudice because of Ash.” Brock stopped and looked over at Clay to make sure he was still asleep as the last thing he wanted was for him to hear.

“And he is not going to want people to think that he is grieving for Ash because he does not want to give anyone any more ammunition to doubt and attack him.” Ray dragged his hand over his beard feeling like he had just been hit in the face as he worked out what Brock had alluded too.

“Damn Ash.” Sonny growled and tightened his hand but before he could shatter the bottle in his hand Trent reached over and squeezed his wrist to relax his hold.

Jason groaned loudly as he tipped his head back and looked up at the night sky feeling as though the problems were compiling thick and fast. “Well we will let him know that it is available, and that it is his to take if he feels that he wants or needs it.” It was another thing to talk to Clay about as he added it to the mental list that had formed in his head.

“Close circle gentleman.” Lisa stated with ease knowing they would know exactly what she meant. It meant that they would close down any and all information and interactions with other teams until they knew how to handle everything or rather how Clay wanted to handle things.

The silence settled over them with the only sound being the sound of the crackling wood that was engulfed by the flames of the fire with them all stealing glances at Clay from time to time knowing that by the time the morning came that they would need to take care of a lot of things, their main priority being Clay.


	6. Six

**_ Chapter Six _ **

It had been a long and worrying day as Clay had begun to build the façade back up despite how much they had tried to get him to open up as he had gone through the motions having signed the papers that Mandy had so that Ash’s things could be searched and any relevant evidence collected without the need for a warrant and seizure process, and staying firm on the fact that he did not see the need for a service to be held for Ash. In the end, Jason had sent everyone home to their respective houses for the night sensing that Clay needed some space although it had not been without argument; sometimes his team could act like a bunch of children but he knew it was only because they cared so deeply.

Jason walked through his house having taken a few minutes for himself to grab a hot shower before he pulled on some clean clothes until he stepped outside seeing Clay was sitting on the edge of the deck with his back to him.

“Here kid.” Jason stopped next to him and held out one of the beers he had snagged from the fridge on the way through knowing that it probably was not the best idea to give a grieving Clay alcohol but one beer would not hurt and he had eaten so it was not like he was drinking on an empty stomach.

Clay looked over and took the bottle of beer with a quietly murmured thanks before he felt Jason sit down next to him, and he was grateful for the steady comforting presence of him. “Can I ask you something?” Clay asked wondering if he was pushing the boundaries.

Jason popped the cap off of his beer. “Sure.” If Clay was talking then it could only be a good thing. Clay hesitated, and suddenly Jason thought ‘or maybe not’ but he resigned himself to waiting.

“What was your Dad like?” Clay paused. “I mean you don’t have to answer, I just, I was wondering, that’s all.” He rushed out suddenly regretting asking.

Jason was surprised as it was definitely not something that he was expecting Clay to ask but he knew if the kid was asking then there must have been a reason. “No, it’s okay.” He paused and took a mouthful of beer, noticing that Clay’s remained untouched. “My old man could be a real bastard sometimes but I loved him. He was typical for his generation which is not an excuse but it was the way it was. He went to work while Mom stayed at home and raised me.” It was a simplification of sorts. “I remember when I told him I was marrying Alana, I think it was the first time I ever saw him genuinely happy, and I remember thinking it was truly the first time he had ever been happy with something I had done. Of course my Mom sees it differently but we don’t talk about it.” He watched as Clay nodded as he looked out over the backyard staring straight ahead. “I can see the wheels turning in that head of yours kid.”

Clay put the untouched bottle of beer down between his feet. “Yeah, guess that is one way to describe my thinking.” He paused noting that Jason did not ask him what was going on in his head which meant it was up to him whether he wanted to talk or not. “I never understood it, I could never work out why Ash did not love me like you love Emma and Mikey, like Ray loves Jameelah and RJ. I don’t think I will ever understand it, and even if I had of asked him, he would not have told me because I don’t think he knew the answer either.”

Jason knew that there was more that Clay had to say so he remained silent instead reaching his hand out and placing it on the back of Clay’s neck feeling as he leaned into the touch.

“I keep thinking of our last conversation. It wasn’t really a conversation though.” Clay freely spoke. “We had an argument, and I told him that he was only ever interested in anything if he could make it about himself.” Clay chuckled although it was heavy sounding. “A few years ago I told him I would not following in his footsteps instead I was intent on erasing them.”

Jason felt Clay tense beneath his hand and knew now was the time to speak. “It’s how you felt and no one can fault you for that Clay.” He paused before he smiled softly. “You have your own reputation kid, and Ash cannot ever taint it.”

Clay nodded softly as he shifted so that he could stretch his legs out in front of him while still remaining where he was. “I wish that was true but he already has tainted it. All I can do is continue to prove that I am not him.”

“You don’t have to prove anything to us kid, we know you are not him.” Jason was quick to reassure him wanting him to know that.

“It’s not you I have to prove it too.” Clay responded immediately as if he had counted on Jason’s response to be what it was.

“I know.” Jason answered understanding what and who Clay was referring too but deciding not to push him more on it.

The silence settled over them for a while as Jason sipped his beer while Clay looked out into the fading light over the backyard. Jason spent the time thinking about what he would have liked to say to Ash if he had had the chance with no repercussions while Clay spent the time trying to quell his anxious mind to no avail.

It was Clay who broke the silence first as he turned to look at Jason which had his attention in a second. “Thanks Jase.” Clay murmured softly.

“Don’t have to thank me kid, it’s what family does.” Jason squeezed Clay’s neck softly as he spoke.

“Yes I do, and not just for today.” Clay shrugged not going into details but he hoped that Jason would be able to accept it.

Jason could see that there was a lot going on in Clay’s mind but he could also see that he was not ready to talk about any of it. “Everyone will be back in the morning, and Naima is going to bring the kids by.” Jason knew that Ray was hoping that Jameelah and RJ would provide Clay a little distraction as he knew how much Clay loved them and that they loved him.

A ghost of a smile appeared on Clay’s lips at the mention of Jameelah and RJ as he nodded his head as he loved spending time with Ray’s kids as they still had that little kid joy that was unbridled. “It will be nice to see them… I think I would like to go see Ash tomorrow, or his body really.”

Jason was surprised and he could not hide it at the quick change of subject. “I will drive you however if you change your mind that is okay too.” That was something that Clay was definitely not going to go to by himself, and it already had Jason worried.

“I was thinking about what Eric said last night about needing closure but I know that I am not going to get that.” Eric’s words had been weighing heavily on Clay’s mind along with everything else, and it made sense although a part of him had reconciled that he would never have the idyllic closure with Ash.

“Then why go and see his body?” It was like Jason’s mouth had a mind of its own, and he cringed at himself.

“Because it doesn’t feel real Jase.” The response was instantaneous from Clay but Jason understood that it had not sunk in completely.


	7. Seven

**_ Chapter Seven _ **

The house was in complete darkness as the door opened and closed, admitting one Emma Hayes in the middle of the night after she had finished her day and got on a bus after her Dad had called with the news that Clay’s father Ash had died suddenly and he was a mess. The fact was Clay was a part of her family, he was a part of the gift that her Dad had given her, and although no one cared for Ash Spenser, they cared for him which is why they would drop everything and rally around him.

Emma put her duffel bag and her handbag down on top of it beside the couch before she kicked her sneakers off then made her way through the house and down the hall quietly, stopping to get a bottle of water on her way through. She stopped in the doorway of her bedroom that was more of a spare bedroom than anything else and lent against the doorframe seeing that Clay was lying on his side in the bed with heavy lidded eyes but still awake as the corner lamp cast a soft glow over the room.

“Hi there.” Emma whispered softly not wanting to startle him as she stayed where she was.

Clay twisted his neck around so fast as he looked towards her. “Em…” He smiled softly surprised to see her.

“Stay where you are.” Emma waved her hand down as she saw Clay preparing to lift himself upwards as she pushed herself off of the doorframe and made her way into the bedroom, around to the vacant side of the bed then laid down on top of the blanket on her side so that she was facing him.

Clay blinked heavily as he relaxed back down into the mattress and looked at Em. “What are you doing here Em?” The last thing Clay wanted was for Emma to get behind in her studies because she was home instead of at school.

Emma smiled softly as she reached out and took Clay’s hand in hers softly. “Dad called me, he told me about Ash.” She kept her voice soft and quiet.

Clay pursed his lips for a few seconds before he gave Emma’s hand a small squeeze. “Yeah but you should be at school. I don’t want you getting behind and having to stress out to catch up.” As far as Clay was concerned Ash’s death was not worth Emma getting stressed and having to race to catch up.

Emma shook her hand softly at his concern. “There is this thing called the internet which means I can keep up with lectures, and I am ahead on my readings and assignments.” She was being smart before she started to ease his concerns knowing that a few hours of studying would keep her ahead each day. “I am always going to come home when my family needs me Clay, just like you would do for any of us.”

“I know Em.” Clay smiled sadly as he looked at the young woman beside him who had already endured so much loss in her short life.

Emma looked at Clay taking notice of the dark circles under his eyes and the pallor of his skin, and at how he was snuggled under the comforter. “Why aren’t you asleep anyway?” She knew it was late.

“There’s a lot on my mind, just keep thinking about Ash.” Clay answered honestly knowing that Emma had the ability to see right through most of them including himself.

“You know when Mom died I spent a lot of time going over so many things in my head, every interaction that we had in the few weeks before she did. I learned it was the easiest way to torture myself and that it was not healthy for me to do.” Emma paused as she swallowed thickly as she recalled the hours she spent laying in her bed in the dark thinking over all the words she said and the ones that she had not. “But in saying that, you can’t bottle everything up, and sweep it under the rug to pretend that it isn’t happening. That’s what I learned.” She hoped that sharing with Clay would give him some clarity or at least something more to think about.

Clay pressed his face into the pillow for a few moments before he shifted to look back at Emma knowing that she had a point. “I think I made a mistake Em.” The admission was spoken so softly that Emma would not have heard it if not for the silence of the house. Emma raised an eyebrow before she schooled her face as she waited for him to expand and explain. “I… Jase offered to drive me… to see Ash but I don’t know if the last memory I want to have of him is to be his body.” He had been thinking about it since he had gotten into bed because despite how tired he was he just could not stop his brain from working.

Emma closed her eyes briefly and blew out a soft breath as she did not know whether her Dad was up to it either but he would put his feelings aside if it meant helping Clay or any of his team, nor was it her place to comment on his choice. “I wish I could make it easier for you, and I wish I could tell you what to do but I can’t. All I can say is that what you want is what matters. Last memories are so important, good or bad, and unfortunately it is not something you ever forget.” It was the only advice that Emma could give as she still recalled that she had hugged her Mom and said ‘I love you’ before she left the house for the day, and for that she was grateful however she had a fair idea that Clay would not have a comforting memory like she had. Clay appreciated Emma’s honesty and it made him pause in thought. “But right now you do not have to make any decisions instead let yourself relax and get some sleep.”

“You need to sleep too Em.” Clay murmured softly as he tried to clear his mind momentarily as he was exhausted although it was more of a mental and emotional tiredness than a physical one.

“You mind if I lay here for a while with you?” Emma asked knowing she did not want to leave his side just yet and she knew that in the immediate aftermath of her Mom’s death she did not really want to be alone.

Clay shook his head. “I’m in your bed Em.”He pointed out. “I can crash on the couch if you want so you can have your bed.” He offered although he had to admit he was rather comfortable.

Emma appreciated the offer but at the end of the day two adults could sleep in the same bed without anything happening. “You aren’t going anywhere.” She squeezed his hand softly before she let her thumb sweep over the back of his knuckles. “Now close your eyes, and try to sleep.”

Emma watched as Clay’s breathing evened out once he closed his eyes and instead of letting herself go to sleep she laid next to him and made sure that he rested.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

Jason shuffled into the kitchen as he stifled a yawn feeling as though he had not slept a wink despite having gotten at least five hours in desperate need of coffee but stopped seeing Emma stood with her back to him making what looked to be pancake batter. “Em?” Jason’s voice was still thick with sleep and before he could stop himself a yawn escaped his lips.

Emma smiled softly as she turned to look over her shoulder at her Dad as she continued to mix the pancake batter knowing that the rest of Bravo would be back at the house for breakfast. “Hi Dad, coffee has just finished brewing.” She took a few seconds to look over him seeing that he looked exhausted, and she knew he was worried as it was written on his face.

Jason walked over to the coffee maker seeing that she had already placed mugs down ready to be filled. “When did you get in?” He asked as he had not heard her as he filled his mug to the brim needing his coffee to be strong if he was going to get through the day, whatever it would bring.

Emma set the large bowl of batter aside as she moved to the fridge and pulled out the large packet of bacon that she made sure her Dad kept stock of for such occasions along with a selection of fruit that she knew would have been stocked in the fridge given what had happened so that she could make a bowlful of fruit salad. “It was not long after midnight. I spent my time on the bus finishing off a few things.” She answered as he sat down at the table taking a mouthful of his coffee.

Jason nodded knowing that he did not need to ask why she had come home, after all it was Emma and she knew the importance of family, blood or not. “Have you seen him?” He had no doubt that she would have looked in on him but he still wanted to see what she would offer up.

Emma turned around and leant back against the edge of the countertop as she looked at her Dad once she had picked up her own mug of tea that she had made earlier and held it in her hands after taking a small sip. “I’ve talked to him, he was still awake when I got in last night.” She knew what her Dad was asking. “He was still asleep the last time I checked though but I will get him up once everyone is here for breakfast if he is not already.”

“How do you think he is doing Em?” Jason asked knowing that she could read Clay as well as any of them could, and that she had gone through a lot when Alana had died.

Emma put her mug back down on the countertop, glanced down the hall before she looked back at her Dad. “I think he’s at a loss Dad. I think he is trying to balance the grief he feels with the grief he feels that he should feel, if that makes sense.”

“It does Em, it really does.” Jason had not thought about it like that but it was like a lightbulb went off in his head as soon as Emma had said it. “How are you doing sweetheart?” He had no doubt that this would bring up some painful memories for her and that was the last thing he wanted for her given how well she was doing.

“I miss her too Dad, always am going to, and sometimes it is a little harder but I am okay.” Emma had to admit that after she had ended the call with her Dad after he had told her that Ash had died she did think about her Mom. “Right now though, he matters. I think he needs you to tell him that it is okay to grieve in any way he wants or doesn’t want.”

“When did you grow up Em?” Jason asked rhetorically as he was proud of the woman that Emma had become although it made him nostalgic for when she was little and free from all of the worries of the adult world.

Emma smiled as she pushed herself up away from the edge of the countertop and over to her Dad so she could hug him. “I love you Dad.” She whispered softly before she pressed her face into his shoulder for a few seconds like she used to do when she was younger.

“I love you too Emma.” Jason replied immediately as he hugged her a little tighter glad that she was home.

Emma pulled back eventually. “I am going to get that fruit chopped up, and then by then everyone will be trickling in so the pancakes and bacon can be started.” She glanced at the clock on the wall knowing that the separation anxiety would get to them eventually even if they would never admit that they got it. “Finish your coffee and take a few minutes to relax before the day really begins.”


	8. Eight

**_ Chapter Eight _ **

There was a heaviness that hung in the air and despite how much everyone tried to ignore it they could not as they kept stealing glances over at the shiny metal door that gleamed far brighter than it should have given they were at the mortuary as Clay had decided that Ash’s body would be taken straight to the crematorium to be cremated before the ashes would be put in the ground with a simple headstone.

“How long are we going to give him?” Sonny had a hangover that he regretted greatly and it made his voice sound gravelly but he was more concerned than anything else as he chewed relentlessly on toothpicks, biting down on them so hard that they kept snapping, as he resisted the urge to start pacing the antiseptic laced hallway. He had been floored when Clay had told them after breakfast that he wanted to see Ash’s body for one last time before he was turned to dust, and although he had wondered how much of it was out of the need for closure, he kept his mouth shut.

“It will take as long as it needs to Sonny.” Trent was anxious himself as he did not like the idea of Clay being alone with Ash despite the man being laid out on a cold metal table dead and unable to hurt their youngest brother. He was not sure if it was a good idea but Jason had agreed to it although he was sure that he had seen a faint nod from Emma out of the corner of his eye before he had. Clay had not said much through breakfast and he had ate even less, and what he had managed to eat was clearly a struggle to get down as he had only managed one pancake and a small serving of fruit.

“But it has been almost thirty minutes Trent.” Ray pointed out as he had been nervously and increasingly glancing at his watch the whole time and he was at the point of wondering what Clay could possibly be doing or saying.

“I think he needed this, or at least it is what he thinks he needs.” Brock stated openly although he tended to agree that he was worried and he knew the others were but it was because they all cared. “Whatever happens in there, we will be here when he comes out.” It was of little comfort but at least they had that to hold onto while they waited. “Take him back to Jay’s, let him cuddle up with a blanket and Cerb, and relax.” It seemed a good as plan as any especially considering nothing else had been put forward.

“Are you sure we should have let him go in alone?” Lisa asked unable to hide the tremble in her voice as she nervously bounced on the ball of her foot repeatedly. She had wanted to argue when Clay had told them all that seeing Ash was something he needed to do alone but that the company would be good to and from the mortuary although she suspected it was because he knew how much of a fight they would put up if he had not but she had to respect his choice so instead she remained close by in silent support.

Jason felt as Emma placed her hand on his knee and gave it a small squeeze before he raised his head up and looked around at the rest of his team, his family, and knew they all were worried like he was. “Emma, tell them what you told me this morning.” He did not know if it would make sense to them but Emma’s words were important.

Emma’s eyes widened at her Dad’s words before she relaxed as much as she could as she was forcing herself not to go check on Clay like the rest of them were. “We spoke last night, this morning really, when I got home. I believe that he is trying to balance the emotions that he feels with the emotions that he thinks that he should feel, and I think it is confusing him.” She paused and hesitated as there was something she had thought about as she observed him at breakfast. “I… I think he wants to just put it all in a box and shove it somewhere in the deep dark recesses of his mind because he is overwhelmed by all that is going inside of him.”

Jason looked at Emma as he placed his hand over hers that was resting on his knee knowing she was insightful but he forget just how much sometimes before he turned to gauge the reactions of Ray, Sonny, Trent, Brock and Lisa.

“Yeah, no, run that by me again little Hayes.” Sonny was already shaking his head as he pulled out another broken toothpick from his mouth and flicked it into the nearby trash can not understanding what Emma meant. He did not do emotional or psychological mumbo jumbo instead preferring plain English and simple explanations.

“Yeah, sorry Em, but you’ve lost me too.” Trent admitted after a few more seconds of trying to make sense of what she was saying although he knew that if Jason was asking her to tell them then he understood it and had deemed it to be credible, if not valuable as well.

Emma sighed softly wishing that they were not going to have the conversation they were about to have in the hallways of the mortuary but it seemed like it was going to happen whether she wanted it to or not. “We all know that the relationship was not typical, and that they did not get on.” She paused knowing she was not saying anything that they did not know but she was giving herself time to think about how to word the next part. “When Mom died I kept thinking over the conversations that we had in the two or so weeks before, trying to count how many times I told her I loved her but I never got an accurate number, and what I know was that it was not nearly enough but I know that she knew I loved her, and I know she loved me.” She swallowed jaggedly as her eyes became glassy as she made a pointed effort not to look at her Dad as she did not want to see his reaction to that statement although she was sure that he would address it at some point later on. “What I am saying is that the last conversation is the one you remember the most vividly; it is the memory that you are stuck with for better or worse.” She had to stop and steel herself for what she had to say next as she had to explain what she meant before Sonny’s patience wore thin. “All I am saying is that what Clay may be feeling is not what he feels in is line with what other people feel when someone dies. For example, he may not feel sad or like he misses Ash but he feels that he should because it is what other people feel when they lose a parent or a member of the family. He can’t process his own feelings because he may feel as if they are wrong.”

“So you’re saying that blondie doesn’t miss Ash?” Sonny was grouchy and not just because he had run out of toothpicks to chew on but because he truly did not know what was going on inside of Clay’s head nor did he like that it was all because of Ash.

Emma sighed exasperatedly hoping that someone would explain it to Sonny but somehow it ended up on her. “That’s not what I am saying. Put yourself in his position, how would you feel if your Mom died suddenly, without warning?” She asked hoping that it would make him and the others realise what she was meaning as there still seemed to be quite a few confused faces.

“Well hey now little Hayes.” Sonny groused offended that his Mama had been bought into the conversation as the Texan had been a Mama’s boy through and through as he leant back in the chair he was sitting in and folded his arms over his chest.

“You would be devastated, heart-broken and inconsolable like me and Mikey were, right?” Emma pressed on knowing that if she did not get her point across then potentially he would not be able to help Clay in the way he needed, and the last thing she wanted was for that to happen given that she was only back in town for a few days.

“Well, yeah, of course I would be.” Sonny glared at Emma although she took no offence to it.

“And how was Clay when you learned that Ash had died?” Emma felt uncomfortable but then they all did as she glanced at the doorway that Clay had disappeared through.

Trent furrowed his brow as what Emma was getting it finally clicked in and he felt stupid for not making the connection before. “He was just sitting on the floor of his cage, he didn’t even realise we were there to begin with.” He supplied realising that they all needed to understand what Emma had worked out.

“Was his cage a mess? Where items strewn everywhere like they had been thrown? Was he crying or had he showed any signs that he had cried?” Emma asked as she looked directly at Sonny.

“No, it was like Trent said.” Sonny threw a weary glance down the hall before his attention was back on Emma.

“So you are thinking that he feels as though he should be devastated but because he does not feel like that then he is having trouble placing what he feels.” Ray had been following the conversation and understood Emma’s logic although he wished that he or someone else had caught it.

“Exactly. When someone close to you dies, you are supposed to cry or wallow or go through the whole arrange of emotions from sad to angry and everything in between, but what if you do not feel like doing any of that? What if what you feel is relief, and what if that terrifies you more than any other feeling?” Emma had unknowingly pinpointed exactly what Clay was feeling.

Lisa leaned forward, hunching over, before she pressed her face into her hands wondering how they could have missed it when Emma hadn’t although she was not ungrateful that someone had seen it.

Brock was the first one to seemingly recover from Emma’s rather pointed questions as even Jason seemed to have gone slack jawed at what she had said. “We need to make sure he knows it is okay to feel what he is and that he does not have to conform to what he thinks is expected of him.” Brock knew it would not be easy as the first thing they had to figure out was how to approach their little brother without making him feel worse or threatened in such a way that would make him retreat into his own bubble which they all had.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

The cold impersonal feel of the room and the heavy scent of antiseptic that hung in the air had Clay’s stomach rolling as he stood beside the table where Ash was laid with nothing more than a crisp white sheet across his body from his feet to his waist. The assistant who had shown him through had left him alone and for that he was grateful although he also wished that he had asked one of his brothers to come in with him but he had not felt it was fair to any of them. Clay knew he had never seen Ash so lifeless, and despite having seen plenty of dead bodies before there was something that he could not pinpoint about why seeing Ash’s body was so disconcerting to him. Maybe it was because he looked so peaceful, or maybe because Clay knew that he could not hurt him anymore.

Clay had spent the car ride sitting staring out the window watching as the world passed by trying to organise his thoughts although he was struggling to compartmentalise for once despite how good he had become at it as he tried to work out what to say.

Clay put his hands down on the edge of the table, wrapping his fingers tightly around the cold steel that sent a shiver through his spine as his eyes traced over Ash’s facial features wondering how this was the end.

“When I was little all I ever wanted was for you to love me, be my Dad, and then I got older and all I wanted was for the stain of you to not be with me anymore but you just could not help yourself. You had to inflict and interject yourself wherever you could and it was solely out of spite.”

“Everything you did was for you, all that mattered was yourself. You never cared about anyone else and I now realise that it was because you were incapable of it. I hate that you used Swanny’s death for your own personal gain, and I hate that I asked you to help me get him the recognition he deserved but that was my stupidity, my mistake, because I thought you wanted to build a relationship. Truth was I should have listened to my instincts back then but I know better now.”

“I don’t know if I believe in the other side, in heaven and hell, but I do know that if there is you will have a lot to face up too. However I do know the world is a better place without you, and whoever it was that was helping you by feeding you all that classified information is going to go down as well because I will make sure of it. It’s kind of ironic isn’t it, another life destroyed by you, and for what? I will never know and I don’t want too.”

Clay let the words roll of his tongue at will and with each sentence he felt the weight begin to lift off of him or at least the burden he felt was easing.

“I have erased your footsteps, and even if there is one left, I will make sure to erase those too. Truth is I will surpass you and I would never sell out my family for a bit of money and fame.”

“I do want to thank you because you taught me a lot – you taught me what not to be as a man, a friend, a brother, and a father. You were a hell of a role model on what not to be and what not to do. You don’t win Ash, you never did. All you did in life was lose because you lost the things that could have made your life full.”

Clay realised that he had said all that he needed and wanted too, that there was nothing more that he could say. It was strange how much lighter he felt but also how exhausted he suddenly felt. It was like he had deflated, and he suddenly wondered if that was how a balloon felt when it was slowly left to deflate instead of being popped. He let go of the table and stepped back from it then he made his way over to the sink and thoroughly scrubbed his hands before he made his way to the door, stopping and taking one last look at the man that had caused him so much pain but who could not anymore until he disappeared through it knowing that who was waiting on the other side and down the hall was a hell of a lot more important and who he loved.

Clay stopped as the mortician assistant came towards him before he went through the final set of doors that led to his family. “Send him to be cremated immediately, and the rest of the arrangements are in place.” He told him before he continued to trudge down the hall exhausted until he got to the final set of doors which he pushed open and made his way through.

Jason was the first one to stand up as he began visually assessing him relieved that he was back with them but also wondering what had taken him so long although he knew well enough not to ask just yet. “Ready to go home kid?” Jason asked as the rest of his men, Lisa and Emma stood although they maintained their distance so they did not overcrowd him although he could see that they were desperate too.

Clay was grateful not to be bombarded by a myriad of questions that he was sure that they all had. “Yeah.” He nodded softly hearing the way his voice faltered just on the single word.

“Alright, come on.” Jason wanted to get Clay away from the mortuary as soon as he could, and it appeared that Clay needed to be led instead of having to think for himself for a while. He had not missed how exhausted he suddenly sounded either but again that would be a discussion for later if it continued.


	9. Nine

**_ Chapter Nine _ **

Walking on eggshells was not something that Bravo were used to nor were they good at as they kept an eye on Clay until they got back to Jason’s where he decided that he needed a shower and had disappeared down the hall into the bathroom. Clay had been silent in the car as Jason drive, he, Emma, and Brock back while Ray drove Sonny, Lisa and Trent back.

Emma shook her head as she looked around at her family with the exception of Clay who was showering and she could feel the nervousness and anxiousness that was rolling off of them in waves. “Alright, enough!” Emma announced gaining all of their attention as they stopped and looked over at her from where they had congregated in the lounge. “All of you are going to go and do something, something that does not have you here. Go for a run, or go workout on base at the gym, or anything that helps you to relax with the exception of going to the bar. No arguments.” She quickly tacked on the last bit as she knew they would protest. Lisa snickered and poked her tongue out at Sonny which Emma caught. “You are included in the ‘all’ Lisa.”

“What? Who is going to stay with Clay?” Lisa did not like that she was being told to leave.

“I am.” Emma answered easily as she had no doubt that Clay would finish in the shower then go for an afternoon nap as he looked completely exhausted even if he looked lighter. “He will be fine for a couple of hours.”

“I am not sure that is a good idea Emma.” Ray really was not sure if Emma should be left with Clay especially given they were not sure what his state of mind was although he knew he would not hurt her intentionally.

Emma folded her arms across her chest and pinned Ray with a glare that he was sure she learned from Naima which told him that she was not happy at the implications he had made. “It will be fine.” She spoke sharply.

“You sure sweetheart?” Jason winced at Emma’s tone although he understood it but he knew that she was right, that they all needed to work off some of their nervous energy, and going to the gym for a workout would do that.

Emma turned her attention to her Dad and softened as she looked at him. “I’m sure, and you all need it.” She appreciated that her Dad trusted her enough to know what she could and could not handle.

“Okay.” Jason up, walked over to Emma and pulled her into his side. “We will have our phones on us if you need us.”

“Jase…” Sonny trailed off but he was going to protest leaving Clay alone especially considering they had just come back from the mortuary.

Jason knew what Sonny was going to say as he held his hand up to stop him. “We don’t do well with inaction and right now we are all idle which is making us discontent. Emma will call us if Clay needs us but right now we, and I mean all of us, are going to go to base and workout in the gym.” It was an order even though he was not Bravo One right now. “And if it helps, you can imagine Ash’s face as you pummel the punching bag Sonny.”

There were a few murmurs and grumbles before they finally began to move and Jason waited until everyone was out before he looked at Emma who was still tucked into his side. “I love you Em, I should tell you more often and I am sorry that I don’t.” He spoke softly before he kissed the top of her head as he had heard what she said and had been thinking about it since she had said it.

“I love you too Dad, I know you do.” Emma smiled knowing that he did as it was not about hearing it but rather how he showed it. “Now go, make sure Sonny doesn’t break anything or himself.” She untangled herself from him and gave him a light push to get him moving.

Jason chuckled softly before he picked up his keys from where they were sitting. “We will be back soon.” He told her as she waved him off as he made his way outside.

Emma waited until everyone was gone, and by gone she meant that they had actually got into their cars and driven away, before she pulled out a book from her bag and got herself comfortable on the couch then began reading.

It was not long after as Emma was only a few pages in from where she had started reading when she heard shuffling and looked up to see Clay coming towards her looking better, fresher, and seeing that he was dressed in a long sleeved top and jeans which was standard attire for him. “Hey.” She slid her bookmark into the page and closed the book before she rested it down on her lap.

“Hey Em, where is everyone?” Clay asked as it was weird to see nobody other than Emma around as he made his way over to sit next to her on the couch.

“I sent them out for a while. They all needed to work off their extra energy.” Emma answered as she looked at Clay seeing him smile softly at her words. “They were driving me insane.”

“They mean well Em, we both know that.” Clay reasoned although he certainly loved the bluntness from Emma as it was refreshing as he settled back into the couch,

“I know.” Emma smiled because they did mean well. “Ready for a nap?” Her voice held a teasing undertone but she could see how tired he was.

Clay rolled his head to the side to look at her. “Hmmm but I don’t want to have one. What are you reading Em?” He changed the subject as he was exhausted but he did not want to sleep the afternoon away and then be awake all night alone with his thoughts.

Emma picked up the book and angled it towards him so he could see it as he looked quite content not to move. “I have to read it for one of my courses, and then write an essay on one of the themes from it but translate it into today’s society. I have already got the initial work done, just have to pad it out a bit more and finish off the last few chapters to make sure that nothing changes to drastically but it is not due for another couple of weeks.”

Clay smiled softly knowing that Emma would have done her due diligence. “You know Jason is real proud of you Em, we all are.” A lot of sacrifices had been made but it was worth it to see her focusing on her future and more importantly being happy.

Emma smiled and glanced away for a few moments before she looked back at him. “He’s proud of you too.” She replied with ease knowing that her Dad was proud of Clay and all that he had managed to overcome earning a soft nod in response from him.

“Anything you want to do?” Emma asked giving the choice to him.

Clay breathed deeply inhaling as he found himself relaxing further into the cushions of the couch. “Kind of just want to sit here Em.” There was nothing he wanted to do but sit and just process everything or at least attempt too.

Emma smiled as she nodded and picked up her book to begin reading again knowing that she would stay beside him and read while he rested.

Clay watched as Emma began reading once more before he let his eyes close and his mind wonder. There was something comforting about being able to sit in the same room with a trusted person and feel safe and not like he was being watched although he knew his brothers meant well.

Emma finished the chapter that she was reading and looked up from it and over to Clay finding him asleep beside her, and she smiled before she moved onto begin the second to last chapter of her book wanting him to sleep for as long as he could.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

The sound of repetitive punching reverberated through the gym as Sonny hit the bag so hard that everyone was sure that it would not last much longer; the only good thing was that at least Sonny had wrapped his hands and put on a pair of gloves to ease the impact of his hits. Brock was running laps with Cerb, doing the beep test, which Cerb was definitely winning but not for a lack of trying on his part. Trent was on a bike pedalling although he was pedalling slowly as if he was out for a Sunday stroll. Jason was lifting weights although he was not lifting the weight that he could instead he was taking it easy as he was distracted. Ray was alternating between core exercises as he was on a mat on the ground. But what they all had in common was that they were all distracted and trying to work out what to do.

The door opening then closing with a loud bang reverberated through the gym, that was empty with the exception of Bravo, and Jason looked up just in time to see that Lisa was following after Eric as they made their way towards them. Jason set the weight bar down, grabbed his towel and wiped his face, before he stood up just as Eric reached them seeing that the guys had all stopped and were moving towards them. “Everything okay?” Jason asked as he popped the top on his water bottle up before he took a drink to quench his thirst.

“Everything is fine. I ran into Lisa and was surprised that you are all here so I wanted to check in.” Eric pacified the men as he had been surprised to find Lisa outside of her office with a stack of paperwork in her hands as he certainly did not expect for any of them to be on base. A quick glance told him that Clay was not with them and he was not sure how he felt about that but he would hear them out. “Where is Clay and how is he doing this morning?” He asked catching the shiftiness of the men as they all took a moment to rehydrate as Lisa had not given him anything either.

“Clay’s at home with Em.” Jason answered although he refrained from answering the second part as right now that was anyone’s guess.

Eric raised an eyebrow. “When did Emma get home?” He had noticed that his second question had not been answered but he suspected it was because there was no firm answer. Usually Jason would mention if Emma or Mikey were coming home for a visit but he had not.

“She got back into town late last night, wanted to be here for Clay.” Jason answered understanding Eric’s surprise because he had been this morning when he had seen her in the kitchen earlier in the morning.

Eric smiled because it was something that Emma would do, that she would drop everything to come home for the sake of family. It was an amazing quality in the young woman that he had watched grow. “Emma kicked you all out of the house, didn’t she?” He asked suspecting it was the case.

“Little Hayes can be quite bossy.” Sonny was busy removing the wraps from his hands as he had already tugged off the gloves that he had been wearing as he ignored the glare that Jason sent his way.

Eric would have laughed if not for the situation they found themselves in at Sonny’s comment. “Any idea on where he is at?” He turned his attention back to Clay.

Ray looked at Jason before he turned to Eric. “We took him to the mortuary this morning because he wanted to see Ash’s body.” He paused as the subdued nature of Clay had him worried like it had all of them. “He wanted to go in alone and when he came out he was really quiet. The moment we got back to Jay’s he went and got into the shower.”

Eric nodded as he knew that the way Clay dealt with things was not always the way others would deal with things, and they had to be careful that the differences did not cause problems amongst them. “He has got a lot to process.” It was all he could say.

“Where is Mandy?” Brock asked knowing he had not seen her since she had left Jason’s house after the first night with the signed paperwork that gave permission to go through everything of Ash’s in order to find his source.

“Mandy is at Ash’s overseeing the search. The last thing she wanted was for Clay to be left with a mess to clean up. I spoke to her this morning and it sounds like pretty much everything from the study has been seized and taken to be searched through.” Eric advised as Mandy had been keeping him in the loop as she had been worried that what would be left for Clay to go through given what she had seen from the first night.

“Anything we should know about Ash’s place?” Trent asked wanting to be able to forewarn Clay if they needed too.

“Mandy said that the house was pretty empty, very impersonal if you did not include the items that had Ash’s name or face on them. However the storage unit that is only a few minutes from here is another story which they looked through yesterday but given the built up dust it looks as though it had been untouched for years. Mandy did say that it would all need to be looked through by Clay.” Eric reported knowing it would be more pressure on Clay.

Jason was sure he felt a headache form at the thought of Clay having to sort through a storage unit that had remained untouched for years, and he could not help but wonder what secrets would be unearthed or what memories would be bought up because of it. He reached out and rubbed at his neck as it occurred to him that they would need to talk to him about sorting through Ash’s belongings and how he needed to do it sooner rather than later otherwise it would probably incur costs that Clay could not afford to pay for. “Can you have Mandy pull together a file of Ash’s properties or storage units and assets? I doubt Clay will know about half of it.” There was a loose plan forming in his head as the last thing he wanted to do was add more pressure or push Clay if he was not ready but unfortunately there was not a lot of choice.

“I will talk to her and get it to you as soon as it is available.” Eric knew that Jason had some sort of plan but he was not ready to share it. “I have to go to a meeting but I will talk to Mandy as soon as it is finished.” He checked his watch knowing that he had to go despite how much he wished he could have skipped it. “Keep me updated.”

“Will do.” Jason replied as Eric moved away before he looked around at everyone knowing they wanted to get back to Clay like he did. They had spent over an hour at the gym which was long enough. “Let’s go see the kids.”

**SURREAL SHOCK**

Emma looked up from her book as she finished the final page just in time to see her Dad enter the house with the rest of the team following him although Lisa had not returned with them. She raised her finger to her lips to shush them before she pointed at Clay who had managed to curl up at the end of the couch in his sleep as she did not want him woken. She nodded towards the kitchen knowing that they could all keep an eye on him from there before she eased herself off of the couch once she had put her book down on the coffee table leading the way with Cerb taking her place as he crawled his way towards Clay.

“How long has goldilocks been sleepin’?” Sonny asked as he looked at Clay having taken a place leant up against the edge of the counter top instead of at the table as he watched as Emma moved to start the coffee maker so that it would brew a pot of coffee.

“He was asleep not long after you left.” Emma supplied as she brushed her hand through her hair as she had to admit she was tired herself as she had not gotten any sleep. “I thought he would crash although he fought it for a while.”

“Em, come over here and sit down for a few minutes.” Jason reached his hand out to her wanting her to take a few minutes to stop instead of trying to take care of everyone else like she was.

“I’m okay Dad.” Emma shook her head ignoring his outstretched hand as she pulled down the mugs that had been put away earlier.

Jason knew when to pick his battles and this was not one he would pick with Emma right now instead he dropped his hand down onto the table before his eyes found his way back to Clay who was now awake and pushing himself up and off of the couch with a yawn.

“Have a nice nap blondie?” Sonny asked as Clay shuffled into the room after he had taken a moment to stretch then pat Cerb who whined at him for moving off of the couch.

Clay wiped his hand over his face as he stifled another yawn as he felt even more tired despite having napped although he would not be able to tell anyone how long he had slept. “Yeah, where did you guys go?” He asked as he pulled a bottle of water from the fridge as he was thirsty before he leant back against the edge of the counter top similar to Sonny.

“We went to the gym.” Trent answered as he watched cautiously for Clay’s reaction and took the time to look at him seeing that he was still a little paler than usual and still had dark circles beneath his eyes. Clay nodded as he took a sip of water from the bottle taking the opportunity to stretch out his neck.

“Has it hit the news yet?” Clay asked wondering if it had.

“No, the Brass is doing everything they can to keep it out of the news.” Ray answered before anyone else could noting how dissociative Clay’s demeanour was.

“Okay, good.” Clay said before he took another mouthful of water and swallowed it down. He really could not handle condolences and all that came with someone dying. “Is there anything else I need to know?” He asked feeling like he was missing something especially with the way glances were being shared around between his brothers while Emma looked on confused as she had paused in her pouring of the freshly made coffee.

Brock glanced around at his brothers knowing they were all struggling with figuring out the best way to talk to Clay about things but maybe it was best just to be blunt. “Did you know that Ash has a local storage unit, Spense?” Brock asked not missing the looks that were sent his way despite being focused on Clay’s reaction.

Clay wrinkled his forehead and ran a hand over the back of his head pushing his fingers through the blonde curls. “I know he had one years ago before I got sent to my grandparents as I remember someone talking about it but I have no idea where it was… wait, he still has it?” Clay was sure that Brock had said ‘has’ instead of ‘had’ as he felt his eyes widen.

“Mandy is overseeing everything that is being searched to make sure that they do not make things harder to sort through once you are ready to do so, and part of that overseeing was the storage unit that he has been paying for all of these years.” Brock was sure that Clay paled further and he was not sure whether it was because of the thought of having to go through Ash’s things or because he was concerned at what he would find.

Clay slumped down as he tilted his head up towards the ceiling as he huffed out a breath as he really had not thought about all of the material things that he would have to sort but now he also had to worry about what Ash would have paid to keep stored in a storage unit for as many years as he had, and with all of those new thoughts came a sinking feeling. “It couldn’t just be simple, could it?” It was a rhetorical question but it was spoken heavily.

“We can help sort through it, whatever you need brother.” Ray offered knowing that they would as he continued to watch Clay closely knowing that he was not the only one.

“You don’t have to make every decision now kid.” Jason reminded him wanting him to remember that knowing that there were still some things of Alana’s that he could not bare to look at even now but they had been boxed with the help of his family.

Clay shook his head as he dropped it back down to look at Jason. “I just want to get this over with, all of it.” It was not a surprising admission.

“I asked Eric to get Mandy to make a list of all of Ash’s properties and assets, hopefully it will be easier to sort through if you have a list, and make sure no more surprises pop up.” Jason informed Clay seeing he was already looking daunted by the task ahead of him.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there is. Goddamn Ash.” Clay mumbled as he looked away from his brothers and Emma wishing it would just all be over. “I need some air.” He said before he pushed himself up and headed for the backyard.

“Well that went about as well as we could have expected.” Sonny sarcastically spoke once he was sure the door was shut so that he would not be overheard by Clay.

Emma scoffed and shook her head hating the man who claimed to be Clay’s father even more as she already had a vivid hatred of him when he did not show up at the hospital after the bombing in Manila that had left Clay severely injured. “If that is your definition of well then you are sorely mistaken. My god, the audacity of that man, even dead and he still has secrets. What’s next?” She was not sure how much more Clay could handle if she was being honest but she was also smart enough not to voice that concern. She shook her head before she walked out of the kitchen leaving behind five stunned men.


	10. Ten

**_ Chapter Ten _ **

The plan had been to divide and conquer or at least that was what had been decided when Clay verbally confirmed that he wanted to get through all of Ash’s things, and get everything all settled especially given the whirlwind thirty six hours that it had been since Clay had said goodbye to Ash at the mortuary. Mandy had come to Jason’s house, it was almost midnight after that day, to tell him (and the rest of the team) that they had found the evidence that they had needed which lead to them finding Ash’s source who had been arrested in a raid in the early hours of that morning which had been kept quiet as he was active Navy personnel, a clerk that had been stealing encrypted and classified documents which he had admitted to the moment he began to be questioned. Ash’s cremated remains had been buried in the ground in the plot that had been arranged by the funeral home a few hours after the arrest which seemed weirdly symbolic given all that had happened in the hours before. And a few hours after that Clay had walked through Ash’s house for the first time in years with his brothers, Naima, Lisa, Mandy and Emma by his side as he made the decision that everything that could be donated was to be donated and that the house was to be sold as quickly as possible which Jason was helping to facilitate through Alana’s old firm. Clay did not want to go through Ash’s things instead he had decided to go to the storage unit after having gotten the details from Mandy along with the keys for it, and Lisa and Emma had ended up with him wading through the inch plus thick dust.

Lisa looked up at the mountain of boxes that they had made their way through knowing there was still at least a dozen to go through before she looked over to where Clay was sat down on the concrete with a file box open in front of him although she noticed that he seemed frozen as he stared down at something in the box but what it was she could not tell from where she was. All of the boxes that they had been through contained old receipts from years and some old gear that probably should not have left the base. Clay had decided that he had wanted to clear the storage unit out as soon as possible as it was not something he could afford to keep filled especially considering he did not know what it harboured.

“Clay?” Lisa questioned softly which made Emma stop and look over to Clay before both women looked at each other then began to move towards him slowly leaving the boxes that they had been sorting through. “Hey blue eyes, talk to us.” That got Clay’s attention as he looked up at her then looked at Emma seeing Lisa and Emma had both taken places on either side of him.

“What did you find Clay?” Emma asked softly as she pressed her chin into his shoulder.

Clay pulled his hand out of the box and along with it a stack of old photos, ones that he had never seen before of times he could not remember as he had been so little when they had been taken, of times when his Mom and Dad were alive, and they were a family. “I didn’t even know these existed.” He spoke jaggedly.

“Your Mom was gorgeous Clay.” Lisa kept her voice soft as she placed her hand on his back never having seen a photo of Clay’s mom before as he definitely did not have any photos up in his apartment.

Clay bit his bottom lip as he tossed the photos back into the box that he knew would be coming with him as it was full of photos and he wanted to go through them when he had time. “I don’t really remember her. I thought Ash had thrown away every single thing of hers.” It was a softly spoken admission but both women heard it. “I will sort through this box later. That is the only one coming with me so far.” He did not want to go through it right now or deal with the onslaught of emotions that the contents were sure to bring up before he scrubbed his hands over his face tiredly because he was exhausted.

“You want to stop for the day or do you want to continue?” Lisa asked giving him the opportunity to say enough was enough for the day as they had gone through a mountain of boxes, at least five dozen.

Clay looked at the boxes that they had not cleared before he shook his head. “I really don’t want to have to come back here again. Mandy organised that I could take what I wanted and then for a fee of $150.00 the storage facility would get rid of anything left.” It was one less thing that he had to worry about although it was tempting to set fire to the whole lot that needed to be disposed of.

“Okay, we will be able to get through these boxes.” Emma agreed readily looking at Lisa to agree with her but she was glad that someone else would get the boxes and the receipts that they contained to the document shredding place without adding it to Clay’s list of worries.

“Of course we can, there are a few boxes of gear that I will take back to base so they can be disposed of properly, and whatever boxes you want we can take too.” Lisa agreed easily understanding that he wanted to get it finished with.

“Thanks.” Clay reached forward and put the lid onto of the box before he slid it over to the pile to keep wishing that Ash had had the foresight to label the boxes so they did not have to go through every single box and over every single thing that each box contained.

“We will have this done in no time.” Lisa smiled softly as she moved back to the box that she was going through seeing that Clay had already pulled another box from the stack before Emma followed and went back to sorting the box she had in front of her.

Emma and Lisa stole glances at Clay who had been eerily silent over the next few hours as at least another three boxes were added to the keeping pile bring the total to eight, four personal and four full of gear.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

Naima stood in Ash’s wardrobe, the space now devoid of anything, as every single piece of clothing had been packed into boxes to be donated. It was strange how a man that had so much money and fame had nothing personal in his home, the place was devoid of anything that made a house a home, there were no photos of anyone other than himself, no items of clothing that could have belonged to a significant other, and there was very little décor besides the furniture. Naima was not a stupid woman but she had been naïve to think that there was a heart buried somewhere deep inside of Ash.

Jason, Ray, Trent, Sonny and Brock had worked amazingly fast to get everything that could be packed up done but then it was not hard considering there were not a lot of personal affects, and nothing got broken despite Sonny’s obvious desire to break things that were Ash’s but he had refrained, just. Naima had managed to snag a few small items to keep for Clay before the men had started their efforts including the medals and awards that Ash had earned during his time in the military, a few well-loved first editions that she recalled Clay talking about, a couple of pieces of jewellery including a set of dog tags, and a number of small journals she had found in his desk drawer; and she had decided to put them away for a while before she gave them to him as it was obvious that as of right now he did not want any reminders of Ash but she also did not want him to come to regret that once he got past the train wreck of emotions he was going through.

Naima turned and glanced over her shoulder to see Ray lent up against the doorframe looking at her. “The charity that Clay chose is here to take all of the furniture and boxes.” Ray informed her, proud of their youngest brother because he had picked a charity that helped service men and women and their families, both active and veterans. What could not be used would be sold off and the money would go directly into services like therapy (sessions with therapists, and training of service dogs to help those disabled in the line of duty or suffering from mental disorders). “Should I ask what you are thinking baby?” He asked stepping into the impressively large walk in wardrobe, and coming to a stop behind his wife as he wrapped his arms around her waist and put his chin on her shoulder once he had kissed her cheek.

Naima relaxed back into Ray momentarily knowing they should go and help load the truck but she needed a few minutes with her husband as she had barely seen him since they had arrived hours ago to get everything ready to be donated. “We have been through this entire house, there is nothing that we have not been through, and the sad thing is we have found nothing that would have made Ash look at least a little bit decent, nothing that would have told anyone that he has a beautiful and amazing son, nothing that showed he was proud of Clay and his achievements, nothing that showed he loved anyone or anything but himself.” Naima could not imagine having nothing to show of her and Ray’s two beautiful children, and sure Clay was grown up but parents still displayed photos of their children whether they were three months or thirty years old yet there was absolutely nothing.

Ray had noticed that himself but he had refrained from saying anything as it had astounded him. “I know baby, I know.” There was nothing that he could say that was going to change or fix it. What he did know was that he and Naima would go home and hold Jameelah and RJ a little closer once they got home later in the night but first they would reconvene with the rest of the guys, Emma, Lisa, Mandy and Eric to check in with their youngest just as they had planned. “What do you say we get done here, go catch up with everyone else, then go home and hug our babies.”

Naima smiled knowing hugging her children was exactly what she needed but she also wanted to hug Clay. “That sounds perfect.” She smiled softly before she turned around in his arms and kissed him then let her forehead rest against his. It was only a few moments later when Naima pulled away reluctantly from Ray knowing that they needed to move and get things done before they could work through the rest of their plan.

Ray followed Naima down and out to the garage seeing that the furniture was being loaded first which made sense. “Take a few minutes baby, I will help the guys load the truck.” Ray stole a kiss before he moved past her to join his brothers and the volunteers that had come from the charity.

Naima looked around at the empty space as she decided to take one last walk through of the house while the men loaded the truck and she had to admit that it felt eerie. It was a beautiful house that had never been a home, and she wondered how Ash had got things so wrong in life but she did not want to ponder that. The only thing Ash had done right in his life was make Clay, and she knew that Clay would be cherished by the family that found him and that she would make sure of it.

**SURREAL SHOCK**

The fire pit crackled as the flames licked at the wood, engulfing it, and producing a solid and steady warmth that kept the chill that was in the air away as the sun faded away for another day. Jason smiled softly as he walked out of the house with a fresh round of drinks for everyone seeing that his family, with the exception of Mikey who had not been able to come home, was all there with him surrounding their youngest brother. Speaking of their youngest, Jason looked at Clay, seeing he had a bottle of water in his hand and he was picking at the label, as he looked blankly at the fire in front of him. Jason moved over to take his seat after he had passed the beers around although Clay had chosen to stick to water for the night, and saw that Clay had not moved at all.

“How are you doing sunshine?” Jason asked and the question captured everyone’s attention as the few quiet conversations faded out almost immediately as their attention turned to Clay. Truthfully everyone had avoided asking Clay the question on how he was doing so to hear Jason ask it meant something.

Clay looked up from the fire, looked around at everyone, before he leaned back in the chair and inhaled then exhaled. The question had pulled him from his thoughts but he was kind of grateful for Jason’s timing as it was at the right time as he had come to a realisation. “Yeah, I… I’m okay… Thank you, all of you.”

“You don’t have to thank us Spense, it is what family does.” Brock responded immediately understanding that it was not always easy to accept help or realise that the best of intentions were not meant to be overbearing, and he knew that sometimes they could be overbearing without meaning to be. He watched as Cerb made his way over to Clay, and sat down at his feet.

Clay nodded before he leaned himself forward and put his bottle of water down on the ground at his feet then clasped his hands together as he rested his elbows on his knees. “Yes I do, without all of you, I don’t know what I would have done… I have no doubt that somewhere and at sometime something will come out of the woodwork, some other secret that Ash had harboured but I can’t worry about that, can only deal with it when it happens.” He paused trying to make sense of what he was saying and what he wanted to say. “It shocked me, and I don’t really understand why but what I do know is that the relief I felt was cathartic.” He looked down at the ground with that admission before he dropped his hand down to pat Cerb who was at his feet. “At the mortuary when I was saying goodbye to Ash I realised a couple of things. I realised that he couldn’t hurt me anymore, couldn’t cause any more problems for anyone, but I also realised that despite everything, I did owe him a thank you.”

“What the hell blondie? Why the hell would you think you owe him thanks? Is all the grief messin’ with your head?” Sonny groused wondering what Clay could possibly think he owed Ash a ‘thank you’ for, and wondering just how messed up his head really was. There were a few glares sent his way, a stinging slap delivered to the side of his leg by Lisa, and a verbal reprimand from Naima.

“Clay…” Eric began but trailed off quickly as he knew that Clay had a point that he was trying to make but he was concerned that Sonny’s interruption had made him clam up. It was the most Clay had said about what he was thinking and feeling since he had learned of Ash’s death as far as Eric was aware, and he knew that he needed to talk about it before it ate him alive.

Clay kept his eyes focused on Cerb who had curled up at his feet and was enjoying the patting he was receiving. Clay shook his head from side to side deciding that it did not matter. What mattered was that he was okay. “Anyway, the lawyer is drawing up papers so that anything financially will be split amongst a couple of charities and the likes, and any future earnings from the date of his death will go into an account to be decided what to do with later.” He decided to move away from the emotional stuff that was going into his head to the more pragmatic issues that had been decided although he withheld some information like he had decided to set up four trust accounts for Emma, Mikey, Jameelah and RJ which would each have $50,000 dollars put into them to begin with before any additional payments would be made to them so that they had funds for college and/ or a deposit for a house when they were older.

Mandy knew that the men were annoyed with Sonny’s ill-timed outburst and disappointed that Clay had clammed up on explaining what was going on inside of his head but there was a pattern that she could see developing that she felt needed to be addressed. “Clay, you know it is okay if you want to keep some of the money for yourself. No one is going to begrudge you for using it to get something you want or need, like a house or something.” She was not sure if that option had been thought of by Clay although it was abundantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with Ash or anything that came from his death.

Jason looked across at Mandy as he realised that none of them had thought to mention it to Clay when he had first advised them of his plans but her point had a hell of a lot of validity as it could set Clay up quite nicely, and it would be the only thing that Ash had ever given him in his life, well the only good thing. “Mandy’s got a point kid. No one would begrudge you for it either.”

Clay had thought about it briefly but the idea of using Ash’s money for himself was just something he could not fathom with right now however it had helped to form some of his decisions as it was why he had decided to give $25,000 to each of the four charities that he had selected, along with $50,000 each into the four trusts, and the rest of the money after all of Ash’s assets had been sold would go into an account to be worked out later but the specifics did not need to be known.

Clay nodded softly as he leaned back in the chair with his eyelids closed feeling as Cerb crawled up into his lap and settled down as he simply did not want to talk anymore. He had been left exhausted. It had been hard to fathom that Ash had died but at the same time he had fathomed it, the reality had sunk in, and he was okay with it. What he wanted to do was get a decent night’s sleep and figure out what he needed to tomorrow. For now though he wanted to sit with his eyes closed surrounded by the people he loved with Cerb in his lap, and just be content as he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there it is... the last chapter. Thank you all for the love!


End file.
